What's your best/worst joke? (5 Viewers)

[Dick7Access]

GCF: Flowers

Purely by coincidence, I ran into my husband in our local grocery store.

He was carrying a beautiful pink azalea, and I joked, "That better be for me."

From behind, a woman's voice: "It is now."

Ps. Remember Col
dim GCF as string
GCF = "Good Clean Fun"

 

[Jacob Mathai]

Confession

Young O'Donnell rushed into a church, placed his rifle under a pew and entered the confessional.

"Father," he said breathlessly, "I've just shot down two British lieutenants!"

Hearing no response he went on: "I also knocked off a British captain!"

When there was still no response from the priest, O'Donnell said, "Father, have ye fainted?"

"Of course I haven't fainted," replied the confessor. "I'm waitin' for you to stop talkin' politics and commence confessin' your sins!"

 

[Dick7Access]

Confession

Young O'Donnell rushed into a church, placed his rifle under a pew and entered the confessional.

"Father," he said breathlessly, "I've just shot down two British lieutenants!"

Hearing no response he went on: "I also knocked off a British captain!"

When there was still no response from the priest, O'Donnell said, "Father, have ye fainted?"

"Of course I haven't fainted," replied the confessor. "I'm waitin' for you to stop talkin' politics and commence confessin' your sins!"

Obliviously, Young O'Donnell had to be a red neck Yankee, Oh! wait a minute, I am a red neck Yankee, Please delete the about line>

 

[Jacob Mathai]

Scottish Bus Driver

The Scottish bus driver was giving a tour of Scotland to a group of tourists.

The tour went through the countryside and the driver would point out sights of interest.

He drove by this one area and said, "Over there is where the Scottish PULVERIZED the English."

They drove on a little further and the driver pointed to another area along the roadway and said, "This is the place where the Scottish MASSACRED the English."

Not much further down the road the driver told his passengers that on the right was the great battlefield where the Scottish WHIPPED the English.

About that time a man on the bus, with a stiff English accent, said, "My good man, didn't the English win any battles around here"?

"Not when I'm driving the bus" was the response.

 

[Jacob Mathai]

3 Wishes

Three guys, one Irish, one English, and one Scottish are out walking along the beach together one day.

They come across a lantern and a Genie pops out of it. "I will give you each one wish, that's three wishes in total", says the Genie.

The Scottish guy says, "I am a fisherman, my Dad's a fisherman, his Dad was a fisherman and my son will be one too. I want all the oceans full of fish for all eternity."

So, with a blink of the Genie's eye "FOOM" the oceans were teaming with fish.

The Englishman was amazed, so he said, "I want a wall around England, protecting her, so that no one will get in for all eternity."

Again, with a blink of the Genie's eye "POOF" there was a huge wall around England.

The Irishman asks, "I'm very curious. Please tell me more about this wall."

The Genie explains, "Well, it's about 150 feet high, 50 feet thick, protecting England so that nothing can get in or out."

The Irishman says, "Fill it up with water."

 

[CJ_London]

Was sent these the other day I know they arn't jokes but still quite amusing:

These are sentences actually typed by Medical secretaries.

1. The patient has no previous history of suicides.

2. Patient has left her white blood cells at another hospital.

3. Patient's medical history has been remarkably insignificant with only a 40 pound weight gain in the past three days.

4. She has no rigors or shaking chills, but her husband states she was very hot in bed last night.

5. Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side for over a year.

6. On the second day the knee was better and on the third day it disappeared.

7. The patient is tearful and crying constantly. She also appears to be depressed.

8. The patient has been depressed since she began seeing me in 1993.

9. Discharge status:- Alive, but without my permission.

10. Healthy appearing decrepit 69-year old male, mentally alert, but forgetful.

11. Patient had waffles for breakfast and anorexia for lunch.

12. She is numb from her toes down.

13. While in ER, she was examined, x-rated and sent home.

14. The skin was moist and dry.

15. Occasional, constant infrequent headaches.

16. Patient was alert and unresponsive.

17. Rectal examination revealed a normal size thyroid.

18. She stated that she had been constipated for most of her life until she got a divorce.

19. I saw your patient today, who is still under our care for physical therapy.

20. Both breasts are equal and reactive to light and accommodation.

21 Examination of genitalia reveals that he is circus sized.

22. The lab test indicated abnormal lover function.

23. Skin: somewhat pale, but present.

24. The pelvic exam will be done later on the floor.

25. Large brown stool ambulating in the hall.

26. Patient has two teenage children, but no other abnormalities

27. When she fainted, her eyes rolled around the room.

28. Between you and me, we ought to be able to get this lady pregnant.

29. She slipped on the ice and apparently her legs went in separate directions in early December.

30. Patient was seen in consultation by Dr. Smith, who felt we should sit on the abdomen and I agree.

31. The patient was to have a bowel resection. However, he took a job as a stock broker instead.

32. By the time he was admitted, his rapid heart had stopped, and he was feeling better..

 

[MSAccessRookie]

Was sent these the other day I know they arn't jokes but still quite amusing:

Like the headlines that are read by Late Night Television host Jay Leno, these notes are so badly written that they are amusing. I enjoyed reading them too

 

[scott-atkinson]

21 Examination of genitalia reveals that he is circus sized.

Hey I know that feeling

 

[Jacob Mathai]

Three men became priests in the Catholic church around the same
time. Their names were Father John, Father Adams and Father SeCola.
All three were good men, but it seemed that only Father John and
Father Adams were destined to move up. And so they did, until the
three were Cardinal John, Cardinal Adams, but still Father SeCola.
In time the Pope passed away, and Cardinal John was given the
honor. But Pope John had a weak heart, and he didn't last long.
The flame was passed to Cardinal Adams, who also died soon.
Once again, Father SeCola was passed up.
This was the final insult for the good father, who went into the
church and prayed, "Father, I have served you faithfully. I have
kept all your commandments, I have done everything you ever asked
of me, heck, I even got better grades than those two idiots! How
come they were Popes and here I am, still only a Father?"
And God answered, "My son, I know. But think of what it would
do for My image for one of My servants to run around calling
himself Pope SeCola?"

 

[ColinEssex]

Three men became priests in the Catholic church around the same
time. Their names were Father John, Father Adams and Father SeCola.
All three were good men, but it seemed that only Father John and
Father Adams were destined to move up. And so they did, until the
three were Cardinal John, Cardinal Adams, but still Father SeCola.
In time the Pope passed away, and Cardinal John was given the
honor. But Pope John had a weak heart, and he didn't last long.
The flame was passed to Cardinal Adams, who also died soon.
Once again, Father SeCola was passed up.

Wouldn't that be because he was not a cardinal? He's not even in the frame unless he's a cardinal.

Col

 

[Dick7Access]

Wouldn't that be because he was not a cardinal? He's not even in the frame unless he's a cardinal.

Col

Jacob
Please remember that there are some people on this forum that English is not there native language.

dim apope as string
dim acardinal as string
dim apriest as string

acardinal = apriest
apope = acardinal

 

[MSAccessRookie]

Wouldn't that be because he was not a cardinal? He's not even in the frame unless he's a cardinal.

Col

Actually, any active Priest is eligible to become Pope, although it does take a 2/3 majority of votes to be approved

 

[Jacob Mathai]

Wouldn't that be because he was not a cardinal? He's not even in the frame unless he's a cardinal.

Col

The joke is that Fr. SeCola never got a promotion (to Bishop) because of his name. If he became a Bishop, he could become a Cardinal and possibly Pope later. His last name worked against him.

 

[The_Doc_Man]

13. While in ER, she was examined, x-rated and sent home.

By any chance did you get her home address?

17. Rectal examination revealed a normal size thyroid.

Talk about looking for love in ALL the wrong places...

18. She stated that she had been constipated for most of her life until she got a divorce.

Does that perhaps suggest she was an anal non-giving personality?

31. The patient was to have a bowel resection. However, he took a job as a stock broker instead.

I guess that would have been my second prescription for his condition.

 

[Jacob Mathai]

Dear Doc_man, How are things in New Orleans now? Are things back to pre-Katrina level ? Or even better? How are you doing? Always good to read your postings.

 

[AnthonyGerrard]

The joke is that Fr. SeCola never got a promotion (to Bishop) because of his name. If he became a Bishop, he could become a Cardinal and possibly Pope later. His last name worked against him.

I dont see why Pope John Paul for example , should be any more of a hinderance than it was to the previous 2?

 

[The_Doc_Man]

Hi, Jacob.

Some parts of New Orleans are back to the way they were or better. Some parts have simple stagnated because the devastation was SO severe and those neighborhoods were SO poor that no progress can be made until someone comes in to redevelop. And of course, the worst-hit neighborhoods will be the hardest to redevelop because first you have to do something about flood elevations.

The latest big thing that we are doing city-wide has to do with infrastructure reconstruction. A lot of the water pipes under the city were stressed by Katrina. In essence, the flood turned the ground to jelly in places. The pipes flexed a little. The oldest pipes didn't flex so well. It is currently estimated that from 20% to 40% of the water pumped into the municipal water system leaks out unused. The politics of the New Orleans Sewerage and Water board is now under the microscope. It might still take a shake-up, but they are going to try to upgrade the city's water supply.

As to my neighborhood, we still have a few abandoned houses and businesses, but I'm guessing over 95% recovery. As it was with the city proper, the 'burbs are again subject to the issues of financing the reconstruction. Where the people weren't indigent and had some level of insurance to get them going, things are back to normal. A few neighborhoods that were (sorry to say it this way) slums are now abandoned slums. Businesses that were not in thriving neighborhoods didn't come back for our area, either. Sort of like how a brush fire kills the weakest plants in the forest but the stronger plants survive - and thrive due to the lack of competition.

The only nasty effect this has had on me personally is that it delayed my retirement. I turned 65 last month but I'm not quite ready to give it up yet. We have a few more things to get done before I will feel OK with hanging it up and staying home.

 

[Jacob Mathai]

Hi, Jacob.

Some parts of New Orleans are back to the way they were or better. Some parts have simple stagnated because the devastation was SO severe and those neighborhoods were SO poor that no progress can be made until someone comes in to redevelop. And of course, the worst-hit neighborhoods will be the hardest to redevelop because first you have to do something about flood elevations.

The latest big thing that we are doing city-wide has to do with infrastructure reconstruction. A lot of the water pipes under the city were stressed by Katrina. In essence, the flood turned the ground to jelly in places. The pipes flexed a little. The oldest pipes didn't flex so well. It is currently estimated that from 20% to 40% of the water pumped into the municipal water system leaks out unused. The politics of the New Orleans Sewerage and Water board is now under the microscope. It might still take a shake-up, but they are going to try to upgrade the city's water supply.

As to my neighborhood, we still have a few abandoned houses and businesses, but I'm guessing over 95% recovery. As it was with the city proper, the 'burbs are again subject to the issues of financing the reconstruction. Where the people weren't indigent and had some level of insurance to get them going, things are back to normal. A few neighborhoods that were (sorry to say it this way) slums are now abandoned slums. Businesses that were not in thriving neighborhoods didn't come back for our area, either. Sort of like how a brush fire kills the weakest plants in the forest but the stronger plants survive - and thrive due to the lack of competition.

The only nasty effect this has had on me personally is that it delayed my retirement. I turned 65 last month but I'm not quite ready to give it up yet. We have a few more things to get done before I will feel OK with hanging it up and staying home.

Thanks for the update. Glad you and your family are doing fine. If you enjoy your work, no need to retire early. As you know, if you work another year, your SS benefit will be 100 percent. Enjoy. BTW, welcome to Medicare.

 

[MSAccessRookie]

A police officer stopped a car for traveling faster than the posted speed limit. Since he's in a good mood that day he decides he might give the fellow a break and write him out a warning instead of a ticket.

So, he asks the man his name.

"Fred," the driver replies.

"Fred what?" the officer asks.

"Just Fred," the man responds.

When the officer presses him for a last name, the man tells him that he used to have a last name but lost it.

The officer thinks he has a nut case on his hands but plays along with it.

"Tell me Fred, how did you lose your last name?"

The man replies, "It's a long story so stay with me. I was born Fred Dingaling. I know, funny last name. The kids used to tease me all the time. So I stayed to myself. I studied hard and got good grades.

"When I got older I realized that I wanted to be a doctor. I went through college medical school, internship, residency, finally got my degree so I was Fred Dingaling, MD.

"After a while I got bored being a doctor so I decided to go back to school. Dentistry was my dream. Got all the way through school, got my degree so I was now Fred Dingaling, MD, DDS.

"Got bored doing dentistry so I started fooling around with my assistant. She gave me VD. So, I was Fred Dingaling, MD, DDS with VD.

Well, the ADA found out about the VD so they took away my DDS so I was Fred Dingaling MD with VD.

Then the AMA found out about the ADA taking away my DDS because of the VD, so they took away my MD leaving me as Fred Dingaling with VD.

Then the VD took away my dingaling . . . so now I'm just Fred."

The officer walked away in tears, laughing.

 

[Jacob Mathai]

Dean, to the physics department:"Why do I always have to give you guys so much money, for laboratories and expensive equipment and stuff. Why couldn't you be like the math department - all they need is money for pencils, paper and waste-paper baskets. Or even better, like the philosophy department. All they need are pencils and paper."