What's your best/worst joke? (2 Viewers)

[Dick7Access]

GCF: Music Bits

Standing in line at the grocery-store checkout, my dad was pleased to hear
bits of classical music. Unfortunately, the music would begin to play, only to
quickly stop. The store's sound system did not seem to be working properly.

Turning to the woman standing behind him in line, Dad commented on
how lovely the music was and how he hoped the store would get their
system fixed.

As the music started up again. Dad smiled at the lady and said,
"There it is again! Isn't it lovely?"

"Sir, it is indeed lovely, but it's not from the store," the woman
replied with a smile. "Your cellphone is ringing!"

 

[Dick7Access]

GCF: Guard Dog

My friend, a mechanic, does work for the Air Force Academy. One day,
a guard asked, "Mind if our new guard dog practices sniffing your truck?"

He obliged and the dog went to work. Almost immediately, it latched onto
a scent and jumped into the truck bed sniffing furiously.

My friend became nervous. There were no drugs or weapons. What could the
dog be after?

A few minutes later, the guard approached.

"Sorry," he said sheepishly, "our dog ate your lunch."

 

[Dick7Access]

GCF: We Had It Hard.....

When I was a kid, adults used to bore me to tears with their tedious
diatribes about how hard things were when they were growing up.

What with walking twenty-five miles to school every morning uphill
both ways through year-round blizzards carrying their younger
siblings on their backs to their one-room schoolhouse where they
maintained a straight-A average despite their full-time after-school
job at the local textile mill where they worked for 35 cents an hour
just to help keep their family from starving to death!

And I remember promising myself that when I grew up there was no way
I was going to lay that on kids about how hard I had it and how easy
they've got it!

But....

Now that I've reached the ripe old age of thirty, I can't help but
look around and notice the youth of today.

You've got it so easy! I mean, compared to my childhood, you live in
a Utopia! And I hate to say it but you kids today don't know how good
you've got it!

I mean, when I was a kid we didn't have the Internet. If we wanted to
know something, we had to go to the library and look it up ourselves!

And there was no email! We had to actually write somebody a letter,
with a pen! And then you had to walk all the way across the street
and put it in the mailbox and it would take like a week to get there!

And there were no MP3s or Napsters! If you wanted free music you had
to wait around all day to tape it off the radio and the DJ would
usually talk over the beginning and mess it all up!

You want to hear about hardship?

We didn't have fancy stuff like Call Waiting! If you were on the
phone and somebody else called, they got a busy signal!

And we didn't have fancy Caller ID Boxes either! When the phone rang,
you had no idea who it was, it could be your boss, your Mom, a
collections agent, you didn't know!!! You just had to pick it up and
take your chances, mister!

And we didn't have any fancy Sony Playstation videogames with
high-resolution 3D graphics!

We had the Atari 2600! With games like "Space Invaders" and
"Asteroids"! Your guy was a little square! You had to use your
imagination! And there were no multiple levels or screens, it was
just one screen forever! And you could never win; the game just kept
getting harder and faster until you died! Just like LIFE!

When you went to the movie theater, there was no such thing as
stadium seating! All the seats were the same height! If a tall guy
sat in front of you, you watched his hairstyle!

And sure, we had cable television, but back then that was only like
20 channels and there was no onscreen menu! You had to use a little
book called a TV Guide to find out what was on!

And there was no Cartoon Network! You could only get cartoons on
Saturday morning... D'ya hear what I'm saying!?! We had to wait ALL WEEK!

That's exactly what I'm talking about! You kids today have got it too
easy. You're spoiled!

You guys wouldn't last five minutes back in 1984!

 

[Brianwarnock]

Man says to wife "I'm going to the pub, get your coat on"
Wife " Oh, are you taking me!"
Husband "No , I'm switching the heating off"

 

[Brianwarnock]

A lad comes home from school and excitedly tells his dad that he had a part in the school play and he was playing a man who had been married for 25 years.

The dad says, “Never mind son, maybe next year you’ll get a speaking part.”

 

[Big Pat]

The best one I've heard recently:

A roman catholic priest and a protestant go the the races. An owner approaches the priest and asks him to bless his horse before the race. The priest does the whole latin thing, “In nomine Patris…” and the owner makes a generous donation “ahem...to the church”. The horse wins his race, but the vicar is not impressed - yet. Later another owner asks the priest for a blessing. Again there’s a generous donation and again the horse wins. The vicar is beginning to take note.

The two clergymen get separated for a while and then, as the vicar is scanning the crowd, he sees the priest over in a corner of the paddock, with a small group of people gathered round a horse, The priest has his hands raised and is making the sign of the cross. The vicar takes note of the horse’s number and hurries off to the bookie, where he places a large bet. The race starts, but that horse trails in last, limping and wheezing.

“I don’t get it”, says the vicar, when he catches up with the priest later. “You blessed two horses and they won, but you blessed that last one and it had no effect. What happened?”

“That’s the trouble with you protestants”, replies the priest. “You don’t know the difference between a Blessing and the Last Rites.”

 

[scott-atkinson]

The Americans are sending a crack team to find the missing school girls in Nigeria, Britain are sending Stuart Hall, Max Clifford, Rolf Harris, and Dave Lee Travis...

I wonder who will find them first...

 

[KenHigg]

396K views in this thread - thats a lot of chuckles. Jon should put the jokes in a book and sell it...

 

[Dick7Access]

[FONT=Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]
Three men were being interview for a managerial job. The first one was a former math teacher. The boss asked him one question. What is 2 and 2? He said 4. The second one was a former psychologist. Same question, what is 2 and 2? He said it depends on your perspective. It could be 4 or it could be 22. The third one was a accountant. Same question, what is 2 and 2. He gets up, looks down the hall both ways, closes the door, gets up close to the boss and whisperers, what do you want it to be?[/FONT]

 

[SparklyPrincess6969]

I saw this one on Conan, by some comic who was guesting. It is very long and I have paraphrased it.

A moth walks into a podiatrist's office. The podiatrist says "What's the problem?"

The moth replies "Aw Doc, I don't know where to begin...I've got problems up to here. First there's my wife, I just don't feel anything anymore when I look at her...I don't think I love her anymore even though I try so hard, I can't even remember the way it was when we first met, just kids you know, we didn't know a darn thing about anything...whoever that boy and that girl were back they sure ain't anyone I know anymore...and she hasn't been the same since she lost her parents...in the great winter last year, that killed so many of us moths...life's hard when you're an ectothermic creature with a high surface area to volume ratio...she's been so needy and why shouldn't she be, but every time I see the sadness in her eyes it makes my guts clench up in rage and hate...how can I be such a terrible person, Doc?...and I gotta tell you about my youngest son too...I hate him, I loathe him, I don't know why...he's never done anything wrong...he's just a little boy...maybe it's whenever I look into his face I can still see the unadulterated joy of childhood and the hopes and dreams he still entertains...the ones I used to have, and I both envy him and feel sickened by his naivete...or perhaps ultimately I see myself in him and hate him just as much as I hate the man in the mirror...and I haven't even told you about the dreams, I keep having these dreams at night...haven't thought about it in years...Helmand province man, the Airborne Moth Brigade, we all got hooked on oxys in Kabul and marching with the sweats and the shakes and hadji behind every rock...and I see that kid's face, couldn't have been more than 12 man, barely big enough to pick up the rifle they gave him...and his mouth hung open like a little pink cave and he just looked up at me as the blood spread across his shirt, like he was saying "why did you do that" and you know Doc I didn't know, I swear I didn't know just then, it was just me and him and that huge huge blue sky crying judgement...it's got so bad not even the cutting helps, you know...at first when that razor blade bites into your flesh you feel so CLEAN, you feel something again...the pain you think you deserve...the rich red blood flowing down the drain and taking all your sins with it...you just gotta help me Doc. You just gotta help me. I'm just gonna fall apart, I don't know where to turn anymore."

"Whoa," says the podiatrist. "You've got some heavy things going on with you, and you sure need a lot of help. But you really need a therapist, and the thing is I'm a podiatrist...I deal with feet."

"I know." says the moth.

"So Why'd you come in here?"

"Well, the light was on."

 

[snlodge]

Comparison
Getting married is very much like going to a restaurant with friends. You order what you want, and then when you see what the other person has, you wish you had ordered that.
Narrative
A 5-year-old boy went to visit his grandmother one day.
Playing with his toys in her bedroom while grandma was dusting, he looked up and said, 'Grandma, how come you don't have a boyfriend now that Grandpa went to heaven?' Grandma replied, 'Honey, my TV is my boyfriend. I can sit in my bedroom and watch it all day long. The religious programs make me feel good and the comedies make me laugh ... I'm happy with my TV as my boyfriend.'
Grandma turned on the TV, and the reception was terrible. She started adjusting the knobs, trying to get the picture in focus. Frustrated, she started hitting the backside of the TV hoping to fix the problem.
The little boy heard the doorbell ring, so he hurried to open the door and there stood Grandma's minister.
The minister said, 'Hello son, is your Grandma home?'
The little boy replied, 'Yeah, she's in the bedroom bangin' her boyfriend.'
The minister fainted
Question
What Are These Words?
How fast can you guess these words?
1. BOO_S
2. _ _ NDOM
3. P_N_S
4. F_ _ K
5. PU_S_
6. S_X
The Answer is in the attachment, Don’t peek before you answer all.

 

[jaismith08]

Haha this thread is really cool. keep it going.

 

[CJ_London]

Brilliant Beijing Hotel Brochure - Translated as only they can

A friend went to Beijing recently and was given this brochure by the hotel. It is precious.
She is keeping it and reading it whenever she feels depressed.
Obviously, it has been translated directly, word for word from Mandarin to English.

Getting There:
Our representative will make you wait at the airport. The bus to the hotel runs along the lake shore. Soon you will feel pleasure in passing water. You will know that you are getting near the hotel, because you will go round the bend. The manager will await you in the entrance hall. He always tries to have intercourse with all new guests.

The Hotel:
This is a family hotel, so children are very welcome. We of course are always pleased to accept adultery. Highly skilled nurses are available in the evenings to put down your children. Guests are invited to conjugate in the bar and expose themselves to others. But please note that ladies are not allowed to have babies in the bar. We organize social games, so no guest is ever left alone to play with them self.

The Restaurant:
Our menus have been carefully chosen to be ordinary and unexciting. At dinner, our quartet will circulate from table to table, and fiddle with you.

Your Room:
Every room has excellent facilities for your private parts. In winter, every room is on heat. Each room has a balcony offering views of outstanding obscenity! .. You will not be disturbed by traffic noise, since the road between the hotel and the lake is used only by pederasts.

Bed:
Your bed has been made in accordance with local tradition. If you have any other ideas please ring for the chambermaid. Please take advantage of her. She will be very pleased to squash your shirts, blouses and underwear. If asked, she will also squeeze your trousers.

Above All:
When you leave us at the end of your holiday, you will have no hope. You will struggle to forget it.

 

[CJ_London]

WINDOWS: Please enter your new password:

USER: “cabbage”

WINDOWS: Sorry, the password must be more than 8 characters.

USER: “boiled cabbage”

WINDOWS: Sorry, the password must contain 1 numerical character.

USER: “1 boiled cabbage”

WINDOWS: Sorry, the password cannot have blank spaces.

USER: “50bloodyboiledcabbages”

WINDOWS: Sorry, the password must contain at least one upper case character.

USER: “50BLOODYboiledcabbages”

WINDOWS: Sorry, the password cannot use more than one upper case character consecutively.

USER: “50BloodyBoiledCabbagesShovedUpYourAssIfYouDon'tGiveMeAccessNow!”

WINDOWS: Sorry, the password cannot contain punctuation.

USER: “ReallyPissedOff50BloodyBoiledCabbagesShovedUpYourAssIfYouDontGiveMeAccessNow”

WINDOWS: Sorry, that password is already in use.

 

[Dick7Access]

WINDOWS: Please enter your new password:

USER: “cabbage”

Funnies one on here in a long time

 

[vbaInet]

WINDOWS: Please enter your new password:

USER: “cabbage”

Funnies one on here in a long time

That made me laugh hard

 

[CJ_London]

Sometimes, when I look at my children, I say to myself,
'Lillian, you should have remained a virgin.'
-Lillian Carter (mother of Jimmy Carter)

I had a rose named after me and I was very flattered. But I was not pleased to read the description in the catalog: - 'No good in a bed, but fine against a wall.'
- Eleanor Roosevelt

Last week, I stated this woman was the ugliest woman I had ever seen. I have since been visited by her sister, and now wish to withdraw that statement.
- Mark Twain

The secret of a good sermon is to have a good beginning and a good ending; and to have the two as close together as possible.
- George Burns

Santa Claus has the right idea. Visit people only once a year.
- Victor Borge

Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint.
- Mark Twain

By all means, marry. If you get a good wife, you'll become happy;
if you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher..
- Socrates

I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.
- Groucho Marx

My wife has a slight impediment in her speech..
Every now and then she stops to breathe..
- Jimmy Durante

I have never hated a man enough to give back his diamonds.
- Zsa Zsa Gabor

Only Irish coffee provides in a single glass all four essential food groups: alcohol, caffeine, sugar and fat.
- Alex Levine

My luck is so bad that if I bought a cemetery,
people would stop dying.
- Rodney Dangerfield

Money can't buy you happiness ... But it does bring you a more pleasant form of misery.
- Spike Milligan

Until I was thirteen, I thought my name was SHUT UP.
- Joe Namath

I don't feel old. I don't feel anything until noon.
Then it's time for my nap.
- Bob Hope

I never drink water because of the disgusting things
that fish do in it.
- W. C. Fields

We could certainly slow the aging process down if it had to
work its way through Congress
- Will Rogers

Don't worry about avoiding temptation.As you grow older,
it will avoid you..
- Winston Churchill

Maybe it's true that life begins at eighty.. But everything else starts to wear out, fall out, or spread out way before you get there.
- Phyllis Diller

By the time a man is wise enough to watch his step,
he's too old to go anywhere
- Billy Crystal


And the cardiologist's diet: - If it tastes good spit it out.

 

[CJ_London]

A man and his wife were awakened at 3:00 am by a loud pounding on the door.

The man gets up and goes to the door where a drunken stranger, standing in the pouring rain, is asking for a push.

"Not a chance," says the husband, "it is 3:00 in the morning!"

He slams the door and returns to bed.

"Who was that?" asked his wife..

"Just some drunk guy asking for a push," he answers.

"Did you help him?" she asks.

"No, I did not, it's 3am in the morning and it's bloomin'well pouring with rain out there!"

"Well, you have a short memory," says his wife. "Can't you remember about three months ago when we broke down, and those two guys helped us?

I think you should help him, and you should be ashamed of yourself!
"God loves drunk people too you know."

The man does as he is told, gets dressed, and goes out into the pounding rain.

He calls out into the dark, "Hello, are you still there?"

"Yes," comes back the answer.

"Do you still need a push?" calls out the husband.

"Yes, please!" comes the reply from the dark.

"Where are you?" asks the husband.


"Over here on the swing," replied the drunk.

 

[Groundrush]

Monastery Life
A young monk arrives at the monastery. He is assigned to helping the other monks in copying the old canons and laws of the church by hand.
He notices, however, that all of the monks are copying from copies, not from the original manuscript.
So, the new monk goes to the head abbot to question this, pointing out that if someone made even a small error in the first copy, it would never be picked up! In fact, that error would be continued in all of the subsequent copies.

The head monk, says, "We have been copying from the copies or centuries, but you make a good point, my son."
He goes down into the dark caves underneath the monastery where the original manuscripts are held as archives in a locked vault that hasn't been opened for hundreds of years. Hours go by and nobody sees the old abbot.
So, the young monk gets worried and goes down to look for him. He sees him banging his head against the wall and wailing, "W e missed the R ! We missed the R ! We missed the R !"

His forehead is all bloody and bruised and he is crying uncontrollably. The young monk asks the old abbot, "What's wrong, father?"
With A choking voice, the old abbot replies,
"The word was...

CELEBRATE!!!"

 

[Jmclel]

Did you hear about the Dyslexic pimp,

He bought a Warehouse.