What's your best/worst joke? (5 Viewers)

[andy_dyer]

This one is one of my favourites...

Qantas

After every Qantas Airlines flight, pilots complete a gripe sheet which conveys to the mechanics problems encountered with the aircraft during the flight that need repair or correction.

The form used is a piece of paper on which the pilot completes the top part listing the problem, which the mechanics read and then respond in writing on the lower half of the form what remedial action was taken, so the pilot on the plane's next flight can review the form before taking off.

Never let it be said that ground crews and engineers lack a sense of humor. Here are some actual logged maintenance complaints and responses with P = the problem logged by the pilot, S = the solution and action taken by engineers.

Qantas, by the way, is the only major airline that has never had an accident.

P: Left inside main tyre almost needs replacement.
S: Almost replaced left inside main tyre.

P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.

P: Something loose in cockpit.
S: Something tightened in cockpit.

P: Dead bugs on windshield.
S: Live bugs on back-order.

P: Autopilot in altitude -hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute descent.
S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.

P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
S: Evidence removed.

P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
S: DME volume set to more believable level.

P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
S: That's what they're there for.

P: IFF inoperative.
S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.

P: Suspected crack in windshield.
S: Suspect you're right.

P: Number 3 engine missing.
S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.

P: Aircraft handles funny.
S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right and be serious.

P: Target radar hums.
S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.

P: Mouse in cockpit.
S: Cat installed.

 

[andy_dyer]

Opps!!

 

[Fornatian]

probably already done the rounds...

Title: Cigar Insurance
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Another example of why this country needs a few more good lawyers!

A Charlotte, North Carolina man, having purchased a case of rare, very expensive cigars, insured them against ..."Get this" ... fire. Within a month, having smoked his entire stockpile of fabulous cigars and having yet to make a single premium payment on the policy, the man filed a claim against the insurance company. In his claim, the man stated that he had lost the cigars in "a series of small fires." The insurance company refused to pay, citing the obvious reason that the man had consumed the cigars in a normal fashion.

The man sued... .. AND WON

In delivering his ruling, the judge stated that since the man held a policy from the company in which it had warranted that the cigars were insurable, and also guaranteed that it would insure the cigars against fire, without defining what it considered to be "unacceptable fire," it was obligated to compensate the insured for his loss. Rather than endure a lengthy and costly appeal process, the insurance company accepted the judge's ruling and paid the man $15,000 for the rare cigars he lost in "the fires."

BUT WHAT COMES AROUND...

After the man cashed his check, however, the insurance company had him arrested ... On 24 counts of arson!! With his own insurance claim and testimony from the previous case being used as evidence against him, the man was convicted of intentionally burning the rare cigars. He was sentenced to 24 consecutive one year terms!!

I suppose there's justice in there somewhere...This is a true story from the "Legal Times".

 

[Mile-O]

Q: Which direction is North in Australia? (USA)
A: Face south and then turn 90 degrees. Contact us when you get here and we'll send the rest of the directions.

Surely turning 90 degrees from south would have us facing either east or west.

 

[andy_dyer]

Surely turning 90 degrees from south would have us facing either east or west.

Hmmm....

Don't look at me that was I how I picked it up!!

And of all the people I have sent that to, you are the only one to see it (including me!!)

Mile, you win a cookie!!

 

[saintsman]

Read the line again. You get the other 90 degrees when you arrive.

 

[andy_dyer]

Aussies, you gotta love them... but not always understand them!!

 

[andy_dyer]

Changing the subject b4 the Aussies wake up...

Paddy walks into a shop the other day and sees a Tartan patterned Thermos Flask. He turns around to the assistant and asks, "What's that?".

The assistant proceeds to tell him that it's "a Thermos Flask". "What's one of those for?" asks Paddy, to which the shop assistant tells him "well it keeps hot things hot and cold things cold."

Paddy's so impressed he decides to buy one for his work at the local building site.

The next day, on the site, lunchtime arrives and they all down tools to have their sandwiches. With that Paddy takes out his Thermos. Shemus turns around to Paddy and says, "What's that there you got Paddy?".

Paddy explains, "A Thermos......it keeps hot things hot and cold
things cold.". Shemus then asks "What have you got in yours?",
to which Paddy replies "Two cups of coffee and a Choc Ice".

 

[Jacob Mathai]

Only in America

Only in America

They lock up the jury and send the criminal home.

The Government dept in charge of everything outdoors is called the 'Dept of the Interior'

A place where food costs 3 times is called 'concession'

 

[andy_dyer]

Rules of Life : From The Male Side

We always hear "the rules" from the female side. Now here are the rules from the male side. These are our rules! Please note these are all numbered "1" ON PURPOSE !

1. Learn to work the toilet seat. You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down. We need it up, you need it down. You don't hear us bitching about you leaving it down.

1. Sometimes we are not thinking about you. Live with it.

1. Saturday = sports. It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be.

1. Don't cut your hair. Ever. Long hair is always more attractive than short hair. One of the big reasons guys fear getting married is that married women always cut their hair.

1. Shopping is NOT a sport. And no, we are never going to think of it that way.

1. Crying is blackmail.

1. Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one: Subtle hints do not work! Strong hints do not work! Obvious hints do not work! Just say it!

1. We don't remember dates. Mark birthdays and anniversaries on a calendar. Remind us frequently beforehand.

1. Most guys own three pairs of shoes - tops. What makes you think we'd be any good at choosing which pair, out of thirty, would look good with your dress?

1. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.

1. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.

1. Check your oil! Please.

1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. In fact, all comments become null and void after 7 days.

1. If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't ask us. We refuse to answer.

1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways, and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one.

1. You can either ask us to do something or tell us how you want it done. Not both. If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.

1. Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials.

1. Christopher Columbus did not need directions, and neither do we.

1. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings. Peach, for example, is a fruit, not a color. We have no idea what mauve is.

1. If it itches, it will be scratched. We do that. It's genetic.

1. We are not mind readers and we never will be. Our lack of mind-reading ability is not proof of how little we care about you.

1. If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing," we will act like
nothing's wrong. We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.

1. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, expect an answer you don't want to hear.

1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine. Really.

1. Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as navel lint, the shotgun formation or monster trucks.

1. You have enough clothes.

1. You have too many shoes.

1. No, NO you really do have too many shoes.

1. It is neither in your best interest or ours to take the quiz together. No, it doesn't matter which quiz.

1. BEER is as exciting for us as handbags are for you.

1. I'm in shape. ROUND is a shape.

Thank you for reading this; Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the
couch tonight, but did you know we really don't mind that, it's like
camping.

 

[andy_dyer]

Dating Life-Cycle

When I was 14, I hoped that one day I would have a girlfriend.

When I was 16 I got a girlfriend, but there was no passion, so I decided I needed a passionate girl with a zest for life.

In college I dated a passionate girl, but she was too emotional. Everything was an emergency; she was a drama queen, cried all the time and threatened suicide. So I decided I needed a girl with stability.

When I was 25 I found a very stable girl but she was boring. She was totally predictable and never got excited about anything. Life became so dull that I decided that I needed a girl with some excitement.

When I was 28 I found an exciting girl, but I couldn't keep up with her. She rushed from one thing to another, never settling on anything. She did mad impetuous things and made me miserable as often as happy. She was great fun initially and very energetic, but directionless. So I decided to find a girl with some real ambition.

When I turned 31, I found a smart ambitious girl with her feet planted firmly on the ground and married her. She was so ambitious that she divorced me and took everything I owned.

I am now older and wiser, and am looking for a girl with big tits.

 

[andy_dyer]

This one has probably done the rounds especially on a forum like this one...

Top ten reasons why computers are better than boy/girlfriends:

10. You can turn them off when you're done with them.

9. They never say, "You can't login tonight, I have a headache."

8. You can tell them anything, and they will always listen.

7. You can program them to give you the answers you want to hear.

6. They are never too tired.

5. If you come home at 3am, they don't ask where you've been.

4. They don't hog the bed and steal all the covers.

3. They don't eat (unless you count disks).

2. They remember everything you want them to remember, and forget everything you want them to forget.

1. They never complain that you don't take them anywhere.

Top ten reasons why boyfriends/girlfriends are better than computers:

10. You don't need a password to get in.

9. They won't shut down if there's a power outage.

8. It's difficult to take a computer to bed.

7. The Aide Station never gets calls asking for advice on someone's lovelife.

6. A computer won't laugh at your jokes.

5. You might get a few strange looks if you bring a computer to a drive-in movie. (Do they still HAVE those?)

4. When you use bad grammar on a computer, you get all sorts of nasty messages (Note: this could also hold true for boy/girl-friends if one happens to be an English major, but not generally).

3. Computers don't give back-rubs.

2. You can't put your freezing feet on a computer's leg to warm them up.[Well, you could, but: 1) they wouldn't get very warm, and 2) you wouldn't have the pleasure of hearing the computer shriek].

1. You can't have sex with a computer. [Again, I suppose you could, but it might be dangerous...]

 

[andy_dyer]

6. A computer won't laugh at your jokes.

With jokes like these no-one on the forum will either...

Guess this is the quickest way to get people to ignore my pathetic pleas for help with my databases!!

Better stop posting jokes!!

 

[FoFa]

If you swim in the creek, and an eel bites your cheek, that's a moray

 

[Idjit]

If you swim in the creek, and an eel bites your cheek, that's a moray

Oh, I love that one! This is a version I saw posted on the door of a social psychologist's office (for obvious reasons):

When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie,
that's amore.

When you're swimming with zeal and an eel bites your heel,
that's a moray.

If your culture eat dogs or carves idols from logs,
those are mores.

 

[Friday]

Re: Rules of Life : From The Male Side

We always hear "the rules" from the female side. Now here are the rules from the male side. These are our rules! Please note these are all numbered "1" ON PURPOSE !

1. Learn to work the toilet ........, I have to sleep on the
couch tonight, but did you know we really don't mind that, it's like
camping.

On duplication...

Read the same here...

 

[Rich]

Re: Re: Rules of Life : From The Male Side

On duplication...

Is the On thread backOn ?

 

[Friday]

 

[andy_dyer]

Ozzie Dingo Joke

An Australian goes on a safari in Africa, taking his pet dingo along for company.

One day, the dingo starts chasing butterflies and before long discovers that he is lost. Wandering about, he notices a leopard heading rapidly in his direction with the obvious intention of having lunch. The dingo thinks, "Geez, I'm in deep trouble now!"

Then he noticed some bones on the ground close by, and immediately settles down to chew on the bones with his back to the approaching cat.

Just as the leopard is about to leap, the dingo exclaims proudly, "Bugger me dead, that was one delicious leopard. I wonder if there are any more around here?"

Hearing this, the leopard halts his attack in mid stride, as a look of terror comes over him, and slinks away into the trees. "Whew," says the leopard. "That was close. That dingo nearly had me."

Meanwhile, a monkey had been watching the whole scene from a nearby tree. He figures he can put this knowledge to good use and trade it for protection from the leopard. So, off he goes. But the dingo sees him heading after the leopard with great speed, and figures that something must be up. The monkey soon catches up with the leopard, spills the beans and strikes a deal for himself with the leopard. The leopard is furious at being made a fool of and says, "Here monkey, hop on my back and see what's going to happen to that conniving Aussie dingo."

The dingo sees the leopard coming with the monkey on his back, and thinks, "Struth, what am I going to do now?" But instead of running, the dog sits down with his back to his attackers, pretending he hasn't seen them yet. Just when they get close enough to hear, the dingo says, "Where the bloody hell is that monkey? I sent him off half an hour ago to bring me another leopard."

 

[saintsman]

A little old lady goes to the doctor and says, "Doctor I have this problem with gas, but it really doesn't bother me too much. My farts never smell and are always silent. As a matter of fact, I've farted at least twenty times since I've been here in your office. You didn't know I was farting because they don't smell and are silent."

The doctor says, "I see, take these pills and come back to see me next week." The next week the lady comes back. "Doctor," she says, "I don't know what the heck you gave me, but now my farts, although still silent, stink terribly."

The doctor says, "Good, now that we've cleared up your sinuses, let's work on your hearing."