What's your best/worst joke? (176 Viewers)

*Fourth Place:*
>
> A man bumps into a woman in a hotel lobby and as he does, his elbow
>goes into her breast. They are both quite startled.
>
> The man turns to her and says, 'Ma'am, if your heart is as soft as
>your breast, I know you'll forgive me.'
>
> She replies, 'If your penis is as hard as your elbow, I'm in Room
>221.'
>~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
>
*Third Place:*
>
> One night, as a couple lays down for bed, the husband starts
>rubbing his wife's arm. The wife turns over and says 'I'm sorry honey,
>I've got gynecologist appointment
>
> tomorrow and I want to stay fresh.'
>
>
>
> The husband, rejected, turns over. A few minutes later, he rolls
>back over and taps his wife again. 'Do you have a
> dentist appointment tomorrow too?'
>
>~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
>
> * Runner-Up*
>
>
>
> Bill worked in a pickle factory. He had been employed there for a
>number of years when he came home one day to confess to his wife that he
>had a terrible compulsion.
>
> He had an urge to stick his penis into the pickle slicer.
>
>
>
> His wife suggested that he should see a sex therapist to talk about
>it, but Bill said he would be too embarrassed.
>
>
>
> He vowed to overcome the compulsion on his own. One day a few weeks
>later, Bill came home and his wife could see at once that something was
>seriously wrong.
>
> What's wrong, Bill?' she asked.
>
>
>
> 'Do you remember that I told you how I had this tremendous urge to
>put my penis into the pickle slicer?'
>
>
> Oh,Bill, you didn't' she exclaimed.
>
>
>
> Yes, I did.' he replied.
>
>
> My God, Bill, what happened?'
>
>
> 'I got fired.'
>
> 'No, Bill. I mean, what happened with the pickle slicer?'
>
>
>
> 'Oh...she got fired too.'
>
>~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
> * Winner:*
>
> A couple had been married for 50 years. They were sitting at the
>breakfast table one morning when the wife says, 'Just think, fifty years
>ago we were sitting here at this breakfast table together.'
>
> 'I know,' the old man said. 'We were probably sitting here naked as
>a jaybird fifty years ago.'
>
> 'Well,' Granny snickered 'Let's relive some old times.'
>
> Where upon, the two stripped to the buff and sat down at the table.
>
> 'You know, honey,' the little old lady breathlessly replied, 'My
>nipples are as hot for you today as they were fifty years ago.'
>
> 'I wouldn't be surprised,' replied Gramps.
>
> 'One's in your coffee and the other is in your oatmeal
>
>
>
>
>
 
A woman goes to her boyfriend's parents' house for Christmas dinner.
This is to be her first time meeting the family and she is very nervous. They all sit down and begin eating a fine meal.

The woman is beginning to feel a little discomfort, thanks to her nervousness and the broccoli casserole. The gas pains are almost making her eyes water. Left with no other choice, she decides to relieve herself a bit and lets out a dainty fart !

It wasn't loud, but everyone at the table heard the poof. Before she even had a chance to be embarrassed, her boyfriend's father looked over at the dog that had been snoozing under the woman's chair, and said in a rather stern voice, 'Skippy!'.

The woman thought, 'This is great!' and a big smile came across her face.

A couple of minutes later, she was beginning to feel the pain again. This time, she didn't even hesitate. She let a much louder and longer rrrrrip. The father again looked at the dog and yelled, 'Dammit Skippy!'

Once again the woman smiled and thought 'Yes!'

A few minutes later the woman had to let another rip. This time she didn't even think about it. She let a fart rip that rivaled a train whistle blowing.

Once again, the father looked at the dog with disgust and yelled,

'Dammit Skippy, get away from her, before she shits on you!'
 
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A young fellow was about to be married and was asking his grandfather about sex.
He asked how often you should have it.
His granfather told him that when you first get married, you want it all the time....and maybe do it several times a day.
Later on, sex tapers off and you have it once a week or so.
Then as you get older, you have sex maybe once a month.
When you get really old, you are lucky to have it once a year....maybe on your anniversary.
The young fellow then asked his grandfather, 'well how about you and grandma now?'
His grandfather replied, 'Oh, we just have oral sex now.'
'What's oral sex?' the young fellow asked.
'Well,'Grandpa said, 'she goes to bed in her bedroom, and I go to bed in my bedroom.
And she yells, 'fuck you', and I shout back, 'fuck you too.'
 
A fleeing Taliban, desperate for water, was plodding through the
Afghanistan desert when he saw something far off in the distance. Hoping
to find water, he hurried toward the object, only to find a little old
Jewish man at a small stand selling ties.
The Taliban asked, 'Do you have water?'
The Jewish man replied, 'I have no water. Would you like to buy
a tie? They are only $5.'
The Taliban shouted, 'Idiot! I do not need an over-priced tie. I
need water! I should kill you, but I must find water first!'
'OK,' said the old Jewish man,' it does not matter that you do
not want to buy a tie and that you hate me. I will show you that I am
bigger than that. If you continue over that hill to the east for about
two miles, you will find a lovely restaurant. It has all the ice cold
water you need. Shalom.'
Muttering, the Taliban staggered away over the hill.
Several hours later he staggered back, almost dead. 'Your
fucking brother won't let me in without a tie!'
 
A mother was working in the kitchen, listening to her five-year-old son playing with his new electric train set in the living room.

She heard the train stop and her son saying, 'All of You B*****ds who want off, get the f**k off now, cause we're in a hurry! And all of you B*****ds who are getting on, get the f**k on, cause we're going down the tracks'.

The horrified mother went in and told her son, 'We don't Use that kind of language in this house. Now I want you to go to your room and stay there for TWO HOURS.

When you come out, you may play with your train, but I want you to use nice language.'

Two hours later, the son came out of the bedroom and resumed Playing with his train. Soon the train stopped and the mother heard her son say,'All passengers who are disembarking the train, please remember to take all of your belongings with you.
We thank you for travelling with us today and hope your trip was a pleasant one.'

She hears the little boy continue,

'For those of you just boarding, we ask you to stow all of your hand luggage under your seat. Remember, there is no smoking on the train.
We hope you will have a pleasant and relaxing journey with us Today.'

As the mother began to smile, the child added...........

'For those of you who are pissed off about the TWO HOUR delay, please see the fat bitch in the kitchen.'
 
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Rich said:
A mother was working in the kitchen, listening to her five-year-old son playing with his new electric train set in the living room.

She heard the train stop and her son saying, 'All of You B*****ds who want off, get the f**k off now, cause we're in a hurry! And all of you B*****ds who are getting on, get the f**k on, cause we're going down the tracks'.

The horrified mother went in and told her son, 'We don't Use that kind of language in this house. Now I want you to go to your room and stay there for TWO HOURS.

When you come out, you may play with your train, but I want you to use nice language.'

Two hours later, the son came out of the bedroom and resumed Playing with his train. Soon the train stopped and the mother heard her son say,'All passengers who are disembarking the train, please remember to take all of your belongings with you.
We thank you for travelling with us today and hope your trip was a pleasant one.'

She hears the little boy continue,

'For those of you just boarding, we ask you to stow all of your hand luggage under your seat. Remember, there is no smoking on the train.
We hope you will have a pleasant and relaxing journey with us Today.'

As the mother began to smile, the child added...........

'For those of you who are pissed off about the TWO HOUR delay, please see the fat bitch in the kitchen.'
Click to expand...

I've seen this one before, long time ago. I still LOL when I read it! :D
 
In deference to the Archbishop of Canterbury and the Royal Commission for
Political Correctness, it was announced today that the local climate in the
UK should no longer be referred to as 'English weather'.
In order to avoid offending a sizable portion of the population,
it will now be referred to as 'Muslim weather'. In other words –
'partly Sunni but mostly Shi'ite'​
 
One Saturday before his sermon, the Rabbi explains that he must moveon to a larger congregation that will pay him more.

There is a hush within the congregation. No one wants him to leave. SolEpstein, who owns several car dealerships in the City stands up andproclaims:
'If the Rabbi stays, I will provide him with a new Cadillac everyyear and his wife with a Honda mini-van to transport their children!'

The congregation sighs in appreciation, and applauds.

Sam Goldstein, a successful entrepreneur and investor, stands andsays:
'If the Rabbi will stay here, I'll personally double his salary, andalso establish a foundation to guarantee the college education ofall his children!!'

More sighs and loud applause.

Sadie Goldfarb, age 88, stands and announces with a smile,
'If the Rabbi stays, I vill give him sex!!'

There is total silence.

The Rabbi, blushing, asks her: 'Mrs. Goldfarb, whatever possessedyou to say that?'

Sadie's 90 year old husband, Jacob, is now trying to hide, holding hisforehead with the palm of his hand and shaking his head from side toside while his wife replies:
'Vell, I just asked mein husband how ve could help, and he said,
'F_ck the Rabbi.'
[FONT=Times New Roman, Times]
[/FONT]
 
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Some new nursery rhymes for the youngsters


Humpty Dumpty sat on a wall
Humpty Dumpty had a great fall
The structure of the wall was incorrect
So he won a grand with Claims Direct



It's Raining, It's Pouring
Oh sh!t, it's Global Warming.


Jack and Jill went into town
To fetch some chips and sweeties.
He can't keep his heart rate down
And she's got diabetes.


Mary had a little lamb
Her father shot it dead.
Now it goes to school with her
Between two chunks of bread.




Mary had a little lamb
It ran into a pylon.
10,000 volts went up its @rse
And turned its wool to nylon.



Georgie Porgie Pudding and Pie
Kissed the girls and made them cry.
When the boys came out to play
He kissed them too cause he was gay.



Jack and Jill
Went up the hill
To have a little fun.
Jill, the dill,
Forgot her pill,
And now they have a son.



Jack and Jill
Went up the hill
And planned to do some kissing.
Jack made a pass
And grabbed her ass
Now two of his teeth are missing




Mary had a little lamb
Its fleece was white and wispy.
Then it caught Foot and Mouth
And now it's black and crispy.
 
LITTLE HARRY ON MATH (Part 1)



A teacher asks her class, 'If there are 5 birds sitting on a fence, and you shoot one of them, how many will be left?'

She calls on little Harry
He replies, 'None, they will all fly away with the first gunshot.'

The teacher replies, 'The correct answer is 4, but I like your thinking.'

Then little Harry says, 'I have a question for YOU Miss Rogers'
There are 3 women sitting on a bench having ice cream:

One is delicately licking the sides of the triple scoop of ice cream

The second is gobbling down the top and sucking on the cone

The third is biting off the top of the ice cream


Which one is married?'

The teacher, blushing a great deal, replied, 'Well, I suppose the one that's gobbled down the top and sucked the cone.'
To which Little Harry replies, 'The correct answer is 'The one with the wedding-ring on, 'but I like your thinking.'






Little Harry goes to school, and the teacher says, 'Today we are going to learn multi-syllable words in our class. Does anybody have an example of a multi-syllable word?'

Harry says 'Mas-tur-bate.'

Miss Rogers smiles and says, 'Wow, Harry, that's a real mouthful.'

Little Harry says, 'No, Miss Rogers, you're thinking of a blow-job.'
 
Harry at school(aged 3 1/2)
naughtly harry...
anyway teacher asks the children to come in to school the next day and to find out the mating calls of animals ..

the next day
Harry's hand is up - i've got one for you Miss...
teacher "no Harry your dirty and naughty"
teacher calls
Jane .. "whats your mating call" - its mice , Miss - answers Jane " good Jane tell us "- "eek ,eek" goes Jane

well done Jane!

harry's hand is up again , "i got one for you Miss", - teacher
"no harry your going to be dirty ..."

John put his hand up , Miss i got one - "oh John what is it" - "Its a HedgeHog" , go on John ...

ouch, ouch...
and so on all through the class , Harry got his hand up every time, at last it only Harry left , the teacher looks at him , and asks , OK Harry whats your mating call - - its a clam , (teacher thinks hemm , it s a clam - whats the harm..) so teacher say's goes go on then , Harry crosses his arms to make the impression of a claim opening and shuting , followed by the clam saying f"uck me, fuck me" ...(Its visual one)
 
An old timer construction worker came up with a clever set of hand signals to communicate with other workers whenever winds were too strong to understand coworkers on the radio.

One breezy afternoon, after beginning work on the third story of a building being built, he realized he needed a saw and noticed that one of the new workers was almost directly below him. He hollared for a while and managed to catch the new worker's attention. He proceeded to point to his eye (I), then his knee (need), then made a back and forth motion with his right hand (saw). Upon seeing this the new worker pulled down his pants and underwear and proceeded to masturbate right out in the open.

The old timer sat shocked for a moment and began to climb down as quickly as possible becoming more and more furious every step. When he reached the new guy he demanded, "What in the HELL are doing??? I was asking for a damn saw!!!"
To which the new guy replied, "I know that. I was telling you that I'm coming."
 
Little Mary Margaret was not the best student in Catholic School
Usually she slept through the class.

One day her teacher, a Nun, called on her while she was sleeping.



'Tell me Mary Margaret,

who created the universe?'

When Mary Margaret didn't stir, little Johnny who was her friend
sitting behind her, took his pencil and jabbed her in the rear.

'God Almighty!' shouted Mary Margaret.
The Nun said,

'Very good'

and continued teaching her class.


A little later the Nun asked Mary Margaret,

'Who is our Lord and Savior?'

But Mary didn't stir from her slumber.


Once again, Johnny came to her rescue and stuck Mary Margaret in the butt.


'Jesus Christ!!!' shouted Mary Margaret
and the Nun once again said,

'Very good,'



and Mary Margaret fell back sleep.

The Nun asked her a third question..


'What did Eve say to Adam after
she had her twenty-third child?'



Again, Johnny came to the rescue.

This time Mary Margaret jumped up and shouted,

'If you stick that damn thing in me one more time, I'll break it in half!'



The nun fainted !!
 
Two buzzards are sitting on a dead clown having a feast. One looks up to the other and asks "Does this taste a little funny to you"?
 
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