What's your best/worst joke?

[Jacob Mathai]

Some examples of why the human race has probably evolved as far as possible. These are actual instruction labels on consumer goods:

On Sears hairdryer:
Do not use while sleeping.
(Gee, that's the only time I have to work on my hair!)

On a bag of Fritos:
You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside.
(The shoplifter special!)

On a bar of Dial soap:
Directions: Use like regular soap.
(and that would be how?)

On some Swann frozen dinners:
Serving suggestion: Defrost.
(But it's 'just' a suggestion!)

On Tesco's Tiramisu dessert: (printed on bottom of the box)
Do not turn upside down.
(Too late! you lose!)

On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding:
Product will be hot after heating.
(Are you sure? Let's experiment.)

On packaging for a Rowenta iron:
Do not iron clothes on body.
(But wouldn't that save more time?)
(Whose body?)

On Boot's Children's cough medicine:
Do not drive car or operate machinery.
(We could do a lot to reduce the construction accidents if we just kept those 5 year olds off those fork lifts.)

On Nytol sleep aid:
Warning: may cause drowsiness.
(One would hope!)

On a Korean kitchen knife:
Warning: keep out of children.
(hmm...something must have gotten lost in the translation...)

On a string of Christmas lights:
For indoor or outdoor use only.
(As opposed to use in outer space.)

On a food processor:
Not to be used for the other use.
(Now I'm curious.)

On Sainsbury's peanuts:
Warning: contains nuts.
(but no peas?)

On an American Airlines packet of nuts:
Instructions: open packet, eat nuts.
(somebody got paid big bucks to write this one...)

On a Swedish chainsaw:
Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands.
(Raise your hand if you've tried this...)

On a child's Superman costume:
Wearing of this garment does not enable you to fly.
(Oh go ahead! That's right, destroy a universal childhood belief.)

 

[Vassago]

On an American Airlines packet of nuts:
Instructions: open packet, eat nuts.
(somebody got paid big bucks to write this one...)

I actually remember reading that and thinking about how clever it was.

 

[Jacob Mathai]

There was once a young man who, in his youth, professed his desire to become a great writer.
When asked to define great, he said, "I want to write stuff that the whole world will read, stuff that people will react to on a truly emotional level, stuff that will make them scream, cry, howl in pain and anger!"
He now works for Microsoft writing error messages.
----------------------------------------------------------------------

A writer died and was given the option of going to heaven or hell.
She decided to check out each place first. As the writer descended into the fiery pits, she saw row upon row of writers chained to their desks in a steaming sweatshop. As they worked, they were repeatedly whipped with thorny lashes.

"Oh my," said the writer. "Let me see heaven now."

A few moments later, as she ascended into heaven, she saw rows of writers, chained to their desks in a steaming sweatshop. As they worked, they, too, were whipped with thorny lashes.
"Wait a minute," said the writer. "This is just as bad as hell!"
"Oh no, it's not," replied an unseen voice. "Here, your work gets published."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, "Where's the self-help section?"
She answered, "If I tell you, it will defeat the purpose."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
A hungry lion was roaming through the jungle looking for something to eat. He came across two men. One was sitting under a tree reading a book; the other was typing away on his typewriter.

The lion quickly pounced on the man reading the book and devoured him. Even the king of the jungle knows that readers digest and writers cramp.

 

[Jacob Mathai]

Patient: Doctor, what I need is something to stir me up; something to put me in a fighting mood. Did you put something like that in this prescription? Doctor: No need for that. You will find that in your bill.

 

[Jacob Mathai]

Two old men had been best friends for years, and they both live to their early 90's, when one of them suddenly falls deathly ill. His friend comes to visit him on his deathbed, and they're reminiscing about their long friendship, when the dying man's friend asks, "Listen, when you die, do me a favor. I want to know if there's baseball in heaven."

The dying man said, "We've been friends for years, this I'll do for you." And then he dies.

A couple days later, his surviving friend is sleeping when he hears his friend's voice. The voice says, "I've got some good news and some bad news. The good news is that there's baseball in heaven."

"What's the bad news?"

"You're pitching on Wednesday."

------

A guy takes his blonde girlfriend to a football game for the first time.

After the game he asked his girlfriend how she liked the game.

Oh, I really liked it, she said, but I just couldn't understand though why they were beating each other up for 25 cents.

Suprised, the boyfriend asked, what do you mean?

The blonde girlfriend replied, all they kept screaming was: "Get the quarter back! Get the quarter back!"

 

[The_Doc_Man]

Jacob:

On an American Airlines packet of nuts:
Instructions: open packet, eat nuts.
(somebody got paid big bucks to write this one...)

You realize, of course, that the person who wrote those instructions permanently disqualified himself from government service... Instructions short and to the point? That simply cannot be allowed. Talk about a career-shortening move!

 

[Galaxiom]

Jacob: Instructions short and to the point? That simply cannot be allowed.

Proper Instructions:

1. Rotate bag until the "Top" symbol is upright.
2. Locate "Tear Here" indicator.
3. Grasp either side of indicator between fingers on each hand.
4. Check Top symbol is still upright.
5. Move hands in opposite direction until packet tears.
6. Release small part of packet ensuring it is thoughtfull disposed.
7. Open free hand and place below packet.
8. Rotate packet until some nuts are released into hand.
9. Open mouth.
10. Move hand to mouth and insert nuts.
11. Close mouth.
12. Move lower jaw up.
13. Move lower jaw down.
14. Repeat steps 12 and 13 until nuts fully mascerated.
15. Swallow.
16. Repeat steps 8 to 15 until all nuts are consumed.
17. Dispose of packet thoughtfully.

But of course it fails too because it didn't warn the consumer to first seek medical assessment to ensure they were not allergic to nuts.

It should have also included instructions on how to deal with anaphalaxis in case of allergy, treatment of choking and advice about the nutrition.

By this time the packet is about a foot square with text covering both sides even though it only contains twenty nuts. Consequently it now must warn about the packet being an asphyxiation hazard to children.

 

[TessB]

By this time the packet is about a foot square with text covering both sides even though it only contains twenty nuts.

Is there some law in Australia that says the words must be large enough to read? In America, they wouldn't necessarily make the bag any bigger at all.

 

[Jacob Mathai]

Goes Fishing

A woman wanted to go ice fishing, so after getting all of the
right tools, she headed toward the nearest frozen lake. After
getting comfy on her stool she started to cut a circular hole in
the ice.

Then from the heavens a voice boomed, ''THERE ARE NO
FISH UNDER THE ICE.'' Startled, the woman moved further down the
ice, poured a thermos of hot chocolate and started to cut yet
another hole in the ice.
The voice boomed, ''THERE ARE NO FISH
UNDER THE ICE.'' This time quite scared, the woman moved to the
far end of the ice. Then she started another hole and once again
the voice said, ''THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE.''

The very scared lady raised her head and said, ''Is that you, Lord?''
The voice answered, ''NO. IT IS THE MANAGER OF THE ICE RINK.''

 

[Jacob Mathai]

Only on an American airline...

All too rarely, airline attendants make an effort to make the in flight
"safety lecture" and announcements a bit more entertaining. Here are
some real examples that have been heard or reported:

1. On a Southwest flight 245 (SW has no assigned seating, you just sit
where you want) passengers were apparently having a hard time choosing,
when a flight attendant announced, "People, people we're not picking
out furniture here, find a seat and get in it!"

2. On a Continental Flight with a very "senior" flight attendant crew,
the pilot said, "Ladies and gentlemen, we've reached cruising altitude and will
be turning down the cabin lights. This is for your comfort and to enhance
the appearance of your flight attendants."

3. On landing, the stewardess said, "Please be sure to take all of your
belongings. If you're going to leave anything, please make sure it's
something we'd like to have."

4. "There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there are only 4 ways
out of this airplane"

5. "Thank you for flying Delta Business Express. We hope you enjoyed giving us the business as much as we enjoyed taking you for a ride."

6. As the plane landed and was coming to a stop at Ronald Reagan, a
lone voice came over the loudspeaker: "Whoa, big fella. WHOA!"

7. After a particularly rough landing during thunderstorms in Memphis,
a flight attendant on a Northwest flight announced, "Please take care
when opening the overhead compartments because, after a landing like that,
sure as hell everything has shifted."

8. From a Southwest Airlines employee: "Welcome aboard Southwest Flight
245 to Tampa. To operate your seat belt, insert the metal tab into the
buckle, and pull tight. It works just like every other seat belt; and, if you
don't know how to operate one, you probably shouldn't be out in public
unsupervised."

9. "In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, masks will descend
from the ceiling. Stop screaming, grab the mask, and pull it over your
face. If you have a small child traveling with you, secure your mask
before assisting with theirs. If you are traveling with more than one small
child, pick your favorite."

10. "Weather at our destination is 50 degrees with some broken clouds,
but we'll try to have them fixed before we arrive. Thank you, and remember,
nobody loves you, or your money, more than Southwest Airlines."

11. "Your seat cushions can be used for flotation; and, in the event of an emergency water landing, please paddle to shore and take them with our
compliments."

12. "As you exit the plane, make sure to gather all of your belongings.
Anything left behind will be distributed evenly among the flight
attendants. Please do not leave children or spouses."

13. And from the pilot during his welcome message: "Delta Airlines is
pleased to have some of the best flight attendants in the industry.
Unfortunately, none of them are on this flight!"

14. Heard on Southwest Airlines just after a very hard landing in Salt Lake
City the flight attendant came on the intercom and said, "That was quite a
bump, and I know what y'all are thinking. I'm here to tell you it wasn't
the airline's fault, it wasn't the pilot's fault, it wasn't the flight attendant's fault, it was the asphalt."

15. Overheard on an American Airlines flight into Amarillo, Texas, on a
particularly windy and bumpy day: During the final approach, the
Captain was really having to fight it. After an extremely hard landing, the
Flight Attendant said, "Ladies and Gentlemen, welcome to Amarillo. Please remain in your seats with your seat belts fastened while the Captain taxis what's left of our airplane to the gate!"

16. Another flight attendant's comment on a less than perfect landing:
"We ask you to please remain seated as Captain Kangaroo bounces us to the terminal."

17 An airline pilot wrote that on this particular flight he had hammered his ship into the runway really hard. The airline had a policy which required the first officer to stand at the door while the Passengers exited, smile, and give them a "Thanks for flying our airline." He said that, in light of his bad landing, he had a hard time looking the passengers in the eye, thinking that someone would have a smart comment. Finally everyone had gotten off except for a little old lady walking with a cane. She said, "Sir, do you mind if I ask you a question?" "Why, no,Ma'am," said the pilot. "What is it?" The little old lady said, "Did we land, or were we shot down?"

18. After a real crusher of a landing in Phoenix, the attendant came
on with, "Ladies and Gentlemen, please remain in your seats until Capt.
Crash and the Crew have brought the aircraft to a screeching halt against the
gate. And, once the tire smoke has cleared and the warning bells are
silenced, we'll open the door and you can pick your way through the
wreckage to the terminal."

19. Part of a flight attendant's arrival announcement: "We'd like to
thank you folks for flying with us today. And, the next time you get the
insane urge to go blasting through the skies in a pressurized metal tube, we
hope you'll think of US Airways"

20. Heard on a Southwest Airline flight. "Ladies and gentlemen, if you
wish to smoke, the smoking section on this airplane is on the wing and if
you can light 'em, you can smoke 'em."

21. A plane was taking off from Kennedy Airport. After it reached a
comfortable cruising altitude, the captain made an announcement over
the intercom, "Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. Welcome
to Flight Number 293, nonstop from New York to Los Angeles. The weather
ahead is good and, therefore, we should have a smooth and uneventful flight.
Now sit back and relax.. OH, MY GOD!" Silence followed, and after a few
minutes, the captain came back on the intercom and said, "Ladies and
Gentlemen, I am so sorry if I scared you earlier. While I was talking
to you, the flight attendant accidentally spilled a cup of hot coffee in
my lap You should see the front of my pants!" A passenger in Coach yelled,
"That's nothing. You should see the back of mine."

 

[Kinger43]

Proper Instructions:

14. Repeat steps 12 and 13 until nuts fully mascerated.

Also, the person needing to read these instructions wouldn't understand the word "mascerated." They'd be wondering how the nuts were going to put on costumes in their mouth.

 

[statsman]

Two old friends are out hunting. One of them received a new telescopic scope for his rifle for Christmas.

As they are sitting in their deer blind, the owner of the new sight is looking through it at various things. Suddenly he turns to his friend and says I can see your house from here. No way his buddy replies. Yes says the sightman and I can also see that your wife is cheating on you. That lousy woman...do me a favour, shoot her in the head and shoot the man in the genitals.

Hell, I can do that with one shot.

 

[Rich]

Paddy and Mick are walking down a street in London .



>Paddy looks in a shop windows and sees a sign that catches his eye.



>



>The sign said: "Suits £5.00 each, Shirts £2.00 each, Trousers £2.50
per pair

>"



>



>Paddy says to his pal, "Mick, look! We could buy a whole lot of dose,
and

>when we get back to Ireland we could make a fookin' fortune. Now when
we go

>into the shop, you be quiet, OK? Just let me do all the talking,
cause if

>they hear our accent, they might not be nice to us. I'll speak in my
best

>English accent."



>



>"Roight y'are, Paddy, I'll keep me mouth shut, so I will," replies
Mick.



>



>They go in and Paddy says, "I'll take 50 suits at £5.00 each, 100
shirts at

>£2.00 each and 50 pairs of trousers at £2.50 each. I'll back up my van
and..

>"



>



>The owner of the shop interrupts. "You're from Ireland , aren't you?"



>



>"Well... Yes," says a surprised Paddy. "How der hell d' y' know dat?"



>



>The owner replied, "This is a dry cleaners.

 

[Jacob Mathai]

Delta Airlines

At the airport for a trip, I settled down to wait for the boarding
announcement at Gate 35. Then I heard the voice on the public address
system saying,

"We apologize for the inconvenience, but Delta Flight 570 will board
from Gate 41."

So my family picked up our luggage and carried it over to Gate 41.

Not ten minutes later the public address voice told us that Flight 570
would in fact be boarding from Gate 35. So again we gathered our
carry-on luggage and returned to the original gate.

Just as we were settling down, the public address voice spoke "Thank
You for participating in Delta's physical fitness program.

 

[Jacob Mathai]

Life Insurance

Mary was discussing the various aspects and possible outcome of the insurance policy with the clerk at the Insurance Agency.

During the discussion, she asked. "Suppose I take the life insurance for my husband today for a million dollars, and tomorrow he dies? What will I get?"

The clerk eyed her suspiciously and replied, "Probably a life sentence."

 

[Jacob Mathai]

Answering machine messages:

Drawling granny voice: Way back inna winner of fifty-two, we didn' have fanshy gadjets like no ansherin' machine. You jusht had to call and call until shummbody got home. Now, shum people, dey shay dey don' like 'em, but I shay it'll shave you a lotta trouble if you jusht leave a meshage. Thanksh a lot.

Prepare for alpha test of Beep Software revision 1.05. Counting down to test: 5... 4... 3... 2... 1...

Hello. I'm David's answering machine. What are you?

Hi! John's answering machine is broken. This is his refrigerator. Please speak very slowly, and I'll stick your message to myself with one of these magnets.

Hello, this is Ron's toaster. Ron's new answering machine is in the shop for repairs, so please leave your message when the toast is done... (Cachunk!)

Hi, you've reached the home of George Ledec. If you are calling to collect a student loan, gambling debt, or other obligation, please press 1 and hang up now. If you are selling any product or service, or requesting charitable donations, please press 2 and hang up now. Otherwise, press 3 and leave your message now. Pressing 3 is optional.

 

[ChipperT]

Answering machine messages:

Drawling granny voice: Way back inna winner of fifty-two, we didn' have fanshy gadjets like no ansherin' machine. You jusht had to call and call until shummbody got home. Now, shum people, dey shay dey don' like 'em, but I shay it'll shave you a lotta trouble if you jusht leave a meshage. Thanksh a lot.

Prepare for alpha test of Beep Software revision 1.05. Counting down to test: 5... 4... 3... 2... 1...

Hello. I'm David's answering machine. What are you?

Hi! John's answering machine is broken. This is his refrigerator. Please speak very slowly, and I'll stick your message to myself with one of these magnets.

Hello, this is Ron's toaster. Ron's new answering machine is in the shop for repairs, so please leave your message when the toast is done... (Cachunk!)

Hi, you've reached the home of George Ledec. If you are calling to collect a student loan, gambling debt, or other obligation, please press 1 and hang up now. If you are selling any product or service, or requesting charitable donations, please press 2 and hang up now. Otherwise, press 3 and leave your message now. Pressing 3 is optional.

My answering machine message: "Whadda YOU want?!?"

 

[Jacob Mathai]

A Cajun joke

Quibodeaux, Thibodeaux and Boudreaux were sitting in a boat on a very cloudy day fishing. They had been fishing a good while when the sky suddenly opened up just above them and a ray of light shined down directly on the front of the boat. It spooked them and they started to get nervous. All of a sudden, they heard a voice from up above. "This is the Lord." They all looked at one another and begin saying, "I didn't do nothing, I didn't do nothing, I didn't do nothing." The Lord said, "Don't get nervous. I'm not here to pass judgment on you, I only want to grant each of you one healing wish." They all calmed down and Quibodeaux stood up in the boat. "As you already know Lord, I've been having this crick in the back of my neck for the past ten years and if you were to grant me a healing wish, that would be it." The Lord waved his hand and Quibodeaux started moving his neck freely. "Mais, that feels good. Thank you Lord, thank you," and he sat down. Thibodeaux stood up next. "You know Lord, that bum leg I've been having for the past fifteen years, you know how bad I limp, if you were to grant me one wish, that would be it." The Lord waved his hand and Thibodeaux immediately felt the limp leave his leg. "Oh thank you Lord, oh thank you, thank you." Before Thibodeaux could sit down, there was a big splash behind the boat. Both Quibodeaux and Thibodeaux looked behind themselves and see Boudreaux swimming away from the boat as fast as he could. Thibodeaux shouted, "Boudreaux, where you going? The Lord is not here to pass judgment on you, he's here to grant you a healing wish. You know that bad back of yours, he can heal it for you right here and now." Boudreaux hollered back, not missing a swim stride, "No, no, I don't want the Lord to heal me, I'll lose my disability check.

 

[ChipperT]

So Clearance and John live on either side of the river from each other and they fight constantly. Clearance is always throwing rocks or wood or just anything he can lift and throw over the river to hit John with. These two hav been bickering for years.
DOT comes along and puts up a sign that they were going to construct a bridge for this river. John says to his wife, "As soon as that bridge is built, I'm a go over there and kick CLearance's $%#%%#@*&* hillbilly butt!"
Finally the bridge gets constructed so John tells his wife, "OK Betty Sue. Keep supper warm. I'll be right back. This won't take but a half hour or so."
A few minutes later, John is back and Betty Sue asks, "That was no half hour. What happened? Didn't you kick Clearance's butt?"
John says, "No Betty Sue. From across the river Clearance looks like an average man. As soon as I got to the bridge, it said 'Clearance 8 feet 6 inches.' Dogonnit!"

 

[The_Doc_Man]

I can tell Cajun jokes because my wife IS Cajun, from Chac Bay just outside Thibadaux, Louisiana.

Boudreaux has been going to South Cajun U. just outside of Lafayette, Louisiana, for over 10 years. Everyone loves him because he is so honest, kind, and helpful. His problem is focus. He has been passing lots of courses but changes majors so often that he doesn't have enough credits in any one subject to earn a degree in it. The Dean of Student Affairs finally calls Boudreaux into the office to discuss the matter.

The Dean advises Boudreaux that if he can pass a test, the university will give him a general degree so he can leave. If he fails the test, he has to leave without a degree. Boudreaux reluctantly agrees.

Boudreaux studies in the library for weeks. Near the end of the term, the Dean calls Boudreaux to the athletic stadium. He says, "We are going to give you your test in public so your friends can cheer you on." Boudreaux thinks of the pressure in publicly failing, but what can he do? So he says, "OK."

The crowd starts cheering for their friend, because after 10 years, everybody knows Boudreaux. They all look up to him as a personal inspiration. The noise swells to a great crescendo of "You geaux, Bou-dreaux, you geaux, Bou-dreaux, you geaux, Bou-dreaux."

The Dean signals the crowd of students to be quiet. They settle down. In the sudden silence, he says, "Boudreaux, are you ready for the test?" Boudreaux nods. The Dean says, "Tell me, Boudreaux, how much is 1 + 1?"

Boudreaux looks up to the sky for inspiration, thinks for a long moment, and then says, "2."

The students in the stands start chanting immediately. "Give him another chance, give him another chance."