What's your best/worst joke?

[Brianwarnock]

Andy

regarding the Iraqy striker

When he attended his first training session he was standing with the lads when Houllier approached the group with a ball, he pointed at the goal and said "Goal2 then the ball and Said "ball", putting the ball down he kicked it towards the goal and said "shoot".

The Iraqy lad said "excuse me Mr Houllier but I can speak good English"
Houllier replied "Shut up son I'm talking to Heskey"


Brian
50+ years a red

 

[fuzzygeek]

What is the time?

A man is strolling past the mental hospital and suddenly remembers an important meeting.

Unfortunately, his watch has stopped, and he cannot tell if he is late or not. Then, he notices a patient similarly strolling about within the hospital fence.

Calling out to the patient, the man says, "Pardon me, sir, but do you have the time?"

The patient calls back, "One moment!" and throws himself upon the ground, pulling out a short stick as he does. He pushes the stick into the ground, and, pulling out a carpenter's level, assures himself that the stick is vertical.

With a compass, the patient locates north and with a steel ruler, measures the precise length of the shadow cast by the stick.

Withdrawing a slide rule from his pocket, the patient calculates rapidly, then swiftly packs up all his tools and turns back to the pedestrian, saying, "It is now precisely 3:29 pm, provided today is August 16th, which I believe it is."

The man can't help but be impressed by this demonstration, and sets his watch accordingly.

Before he leaves, he says to the patient, "That was really quite remarkable, but tell me, what do you do on a cloudy day, or at night, when the stick casts no shadow?" The patient holds up his wrist and says, "I suppose I'd just look at my watch."

 

[dt01pqt]

...an auto-matic milking machine

This reminds me of a joke that's too rude to put on this forum. Besides “an auto-matic milking machine” is the punch line.

 

[andy_dyer]

Bob joins a very exclusive nudist colony. On his first day he takes off his clothes and starts wandering around. A gorgeous petite blonde walks by him and he immediately gets an erection. The woman notices his erection, comes over to him grinning sweetly and says: ''Sir, did you call for me?''

Bob replies ''No, what do you mean?''

She says: ''You must be new here; let me explain. It's a rule here that if I give you an erection, it implies you called for me.'' Smiling, she then leads him to the side of a pool, lays down on a towel, eagerly pulls him to her and happily lets him have his way with her.

Bob continues exploring the facilities. He enters a sauna, sits down, and farts. Within a few moments a huge, horribly corpulent, hairy man with a firm erection lumbers out of the steam towards him. The Huge Man says: ''Sir, did you call for me?''

Bob replies ''No, what do you mean?''

''You must be new here, it is a rule that when you fart, it implies you called for me.'' The huge man then easily spins Bob around, bends him over the bench and sodomizes him.

Bob rushes back to the colony office. He is greeted by the smiling naked receptionist: ''May I help you?''. Bob says: ''Here is your card and key back. You can keep the $500 joining fee.''

''But Sir, you've only been here a couple of hours; you only saw a small fraction of our facilities...''

Bob replies: ''Listen lady, I am 58 years old, I get a hard-on about once a month, but I fart 15 times a day. No thanks!''

 

[andy_dyer]

Are things getting you Down? Are you havin' a Bad Day?

Well, then, consider this .....

In a hospital's Intensive Care Unit, patients always died in the same bed, on Sunday morning, at about 11:00 a.m., regardless of their medical condition.

This puzzled the doctors and some even thought it had something to do with the supernatural.

No one could solve the mystery as to why the deaths occurred around 11:00 a.m. on Sunday,
so a worldwide team of experts was assembled to investigate the cause of the incidents.

The next Sunday morning, a few minutes before 11:00 a.m, all of the doctors and nurses
nervously waited outside the ward to see for themselves what the terrible mystery was all about.

Some were holding wooden crosses, prayer books, and other holy objects to ward off the evil spirits.

Just when the clock struck 11:00 Pookie Johnson, the part-time Sunday sweeper, entered the ward and unplugged the life support system so he could use the vacuum cleaner.

Still think you are having a Bad Day?

A woman came home to find her husband in the kitchen shaking frantically, almost in a dancing frenzy, with some kind of wire running from his waist towards the electric kettle.

Intending to jolt him away from the deadly current, she whacked him with a handy plank of wood, breaking his arm in two places.

Up to that moment, he had been happily listening to his Walkman.

Still think you're having a Bad Day?

Two animal rights defenders were protesting the cruelty of sending pigs to a slaughterhouse in Bonn, Germany.

Suddenly, all two thousand pigs broke loose and escaped through a broken fence, stampeding madly.

The two helpless protesters were trampled to death.


What? Still having a Bad Day?

Iraqi terrorist Khay Rahnajet didn't pay enough postage on a letter bomb.

It came back with "Return to Sender" stamped on it. Forgetting it was the bomb, he opened it and was blown to bits.

There now, feeling better?

 

[dt01pqt]

How does it change many dyslexics to take a light bulb?

Well I just about managed it. But I had to replace the 13-amp fuse, which had blown.

 

[dt01pqt]

Now that's just plain mean

Yeh we shouldn't be generalising. From my experience it's not just American women who are like that.

 

[NaKin]

Far away in the tropical waters of the Caribbean, two prawns were swimming around in the sea, one called Justin, the other called Christian.

The prawns were constantly being harassed and threatened by sharks that inhabited the area.

Finally one day Justin said to Christian, "I'm fed-up with being a prawn. I wish I was a shark, then I wouldn't have any worries about being eaten."

A large and mysterious cod appeared and said "Your wish is granted!"

Lo and behold, Justin turned into a shark. Horrified, Christian immediately swam away, afraid of being eaten by his old mate.

Time passed (as it invariably does) and Justin found life as a shark boring and lonely. All his old mates simply swam away whenever he came close to them. Justin didn't realize that his new menacing appearance was the cause of his sad plight. While swimming alone one day he saw the cod again and he thought perhaps the mysterious fish could change him back into a prawn.

He approached the cod and begged to be changed back. Lo and behold, he found himself turned back into a prawn. With tears of joy in his tiny little eyes Justin swam back to his friends and bought them all a cocktail. (The real punch-line does not involve prawn cocktails, it's much worse.)

Looking around the gathering at the reef he realized he couldn't see his old pal. "Where's Christian?" he asked. "He's at home, still distraught that his best friend changed sides to the enemy and became a shark," came the reply.

Eager to put things right again and end the mutual pain and torture, Justin set off to Christian's abode. As he opened the coral gates memories came flooding back. He banged on the door and shouted, "It's me, Justin, your old friend, come out and see me again!"

Christian replied, "No way man, you'll eat me. You're a shark, the enemy, and I'll not be tricked into being your dinner."

Justin cried back "No, I'm not.

That was the old me.

I've changed,

I've found Cod. I'm a prawn again Christian."

 

[mkelly]

Queen Elizabeth & Dolly Parton die on the same day,
and they both go before the angel to find out if
they'll be admitted to heaven.

Unfortunately, there's only one space left that day,
so the angel must decide which of them gets in.

The angel asks Dolly if there is some particular
reason why she should go to heaven, whereupon she
takes off her top and says, "Look at these. They're
the most perfect breasts God ever created, and I'm
sure it will please God to be able to see them every
day for eternity."

The angel thanks Dolly, and asks Her Majesty the same
question. The Queen drops her skirt and panties and
takes a bottle of Perrier out of her purse, shakes it
up and douches with it.

The angel says, "OK, Your Majesty, you may go in."
Dolly is outraged. "What is that all about? I show you
two of God's own perfect creations and you turn me
down. She performs a rude act of hygiene and she gets
in. Can you explain that to me?"

"Sorry Dolly", says the angel, "but even in heaven, a
royal flush beats two of a kind.

 

[Tech]

what goes in long and hard and comes out all shrivelled and wet?
its not what you think......


.....its a tetley teabag

 

[fuzzygeek]

Senior Activity

Working people frequently ask retired people what they do to make their days interesting. Thought you'd might like to see what I did today.

I went to the store this morning. I was only in there for about 5 minutes. When I came out there was a city cop writing out a parking ticket.

I went up to him and said, "Come on, buddy, how about giving a senior a break?" He ignored me and continued writing the ticket.

I called him a Nazi. He glared at me and started writing another ticket for having worn tires. So I called him a piece of horse poo. He finished the second ticket and put it on the windshield with the first. Then he started writing a third ticket.

This went on for about 20 minutes... the more I abused him, the more tickets he wrote.

I didn't care. My car was parked around the corner. I try to have a little fun each day. It's important at my age.

 

[dt01pqt]

Parking tickets are handed out by police in the states? Nothing better to do? In the UK we have these parking attendants from private firms on contract to the council. The police hate them. Used to be metre maids (lovely Rita) much nicer . One day a was walking down this road and a meat wagon drove by. Over the PA was "Get to work you bloody parking attendants" and sure enough a couple of parking attendants were idling on a bench. They are sharks though they wait by your car so as soon as your times up they nail you. They claim not to get performance related pay but they can win prizes like a holiday or a car. They don't stick to rules though, they park wherever they want.

 

[andy_dyer]

The finals of the Australian poetry contest came down to 2 finalists. One was a Melbourne University Law School graduate from an upper-crust family. He was well bred and well connected. The other was a Bogan from Broadmeadows TAFE. The rules of the contest required each finalist to compose a four-line poem in one minute or less, and the poem had to contain the word 'Timbuktu'.

The Melbourne uni grad went first. About 30 seconds after the clock started he jumped up and recited the following:

"Slowly across the desert sand
Trekked the dusty caravan
Men on camels, two by two
Destination - Timbuktu."

The audience went wild. How, they wondered, could the Broadmeadows Bogan top that? The clock started again and the second contestant sat in silent thought. Finally in the last few seconds, he jumped up and recited:

"Tim and me, a-huntin' went.
Met three slutts in a pop-up tent.
They was three, we was two,
So I bucked one and Timbuktu."

He Won…

 

[fuzzygeek]

Marriage

Jacob, age 92, and Rebecca, age 89, living in Florida, are all excited about their decision to get married. They go for a stroll to discuss the wedding and on the way they pass a drugstore. Jacob suggests they go in.

Jacob addresses the man behind the counter: "Are you the owner?"

The pharmacist answers "Yes."

Jacob: "We're about to get married. Do you sell heart medication?"

Pharmacist: "Of course we do."

Jacob: "How about medicine for circulation?"

Pharmacist: "All kinds."

Jacob: "Medicine for rheumatism, scholiasts?"

Pharmacist: "Definitely."

Jacob: "How about Viagra?"

Pharmacist: "Of course."

Jacob: "Medicine for memory problems, arthritis, jaundice?"

Pharmacist: "Yes, a large variety. The works."

Jacob: "What about vitamins, sleeping pills, Geritol, antidotes for Parkinson's disease?"
Pharmacist: "Absolutely."

Jacob: "You sell wheelchairs and walkers?"

Pharmacist: "All speeds and sizes."

Jacob says to the pharmacist: "We'd like to use this store as our Bridal Registry."

 

[saintsman]

A travelling salesman visits a small town and sees a circus banner reading:
"Don't Miss The Scotsman." Curious, he buys a ticket.


The tent goes dark. Suddenly, trumpets blare and all eyes turn to the
centre ring. There, spotlit in the centre ring is a table with three
walnuts on it. Standing next to it is an old Scotsman. Suddenly
the old man lifts his kilt, whips out a huge John Thomas and smashes all three
walnuts with three mighty swings! The crowd erupts in applause as the elderly
Scot is carried off on the shoulders of the crowd.


Ten years later the salesman visits the same little town and he
sees a faded sign for the same circus and the same: "Don't Miss the
Scotsman." He can't believe the old guy is still alive much less
still doing his act! So he buys a ticket.


Again, the centre ring is illuminated. This time, instead of
walnuts, three coconuts are placed on the table. The Scotsman stands before
them, then suddenly lifts his kilt and smashes the coconuts with three
swings of his amazing member. The crowd goes wild!


Flabbergasted, the salesman requests a meeting with him after
the show.

"You're incredible," he tells the Scotsman. "But I have to know
something. You're older now, why switch from walnuts to coconuts?"






"Well, son " says the Scot: "Ma eyes are nae whit they used to be....... "

 

[GSM]

Bush or Kerry

There's a teacher in a small Texas town. She asks her class how many of them are Bush fans.
Not really knowing what a Bush fan is, but wanting to be liked by the teacher, all the kids raise their hands except one boy--Johnny.
The teacher asks Johnny why he has decided to be different. Johnny says,
"I'm not a Bush fan."
The teacher says, "Why aren't you a Bush fan?"
Johnny says, "I'm a John F. Kerry fan." The teacher asks why he's a Kerry fan. The boy says, "Well, my mom's a Kerry fan, and my Dad's a Kerry fan, so I'm a Kerry fan!"
The teacher is kind of angry, because this is Texas, so she says, "What if you're Mom was a moron, and you're dad was an idiot, what would that make you?
Johnny says, "That would make me a Bush fan."

 

[The_Doc_Man]

A young, very naive (and somewhat blonde) woman marries a minister. But due to scheduling issues they have to get married on the Friday after Ash Wednesday. No other dates are available for weeks after that one. So they accept that date, have their wedding and reception, and head for the hotel.

The sweet, young thing gets into her sexiest negligee, makes her sultry-sexy entrance, and says, "Are you ready to get it on, honey?"

The minister, like Moses, looks longingly at the promised land, but finally says, "Darling, I can't. It's Lent."

His bride says, "Oh, no! To whom did you lend it, and for how long?"

 

[GSM]

Facelift

A middle age woman decides to have a face lift for her birthday. She spends $5000 and feels pretty good about the results.
On her way home, she stops at a news stand to buy a newspaper. Before leaving she says to the clerk, "I hope you don't mind my asking, but how old do you think I am?" "About 32," was the reply.
"I'm exactly 47, " the woman says happily.
A little while later she goes into McDonald's and asks the counter girl the very same question. She replies, "I guess about 29." The woman replies,
"Nope, I'm 47."
Now she's feeling really good about herself. She stops in a drug store on her way down the street. She goes up to the counter to get some mints and asks the clerk this burning question. The clerk responds, "Oh, I'd say 30."
Again she proudly responds,"I am 47, but thank you."
While waiting for the bus to go home, she asks an old man the same question. He replies, "Lady, I'm 78 and my eyesight is going.
Although, when I was young, there was a sure way to tell how old a woman was. It sounds very forward, but it requires you to let me put my hands under your bra. Then I can tell you exactly how old you are."
They waited in silence on the empty street until curiosity got the best of her. She finally blurts out, "What the hell, go ahead."
He slips one hand under her blouse and under her bra and begins to feel around very slowly and carefully. After a couple of minutes of this, she said, "Okay, okay,... how old am I?"
He completes one last squeeze of her breasts and removes his hand and says, "Madam, you are exactly 47 years old."
Stunned and amazed, the woman says, "That was incredible,... how did you know?" The old man replies, "Promise you won't get mad?"
"No", she said.
So he replied, "I was behind you in line at McDonalds'"

 

[fuzzygeek]

To prove his love for her, he swam the deepest river, crossed the widest desert and climbed the highest mountain.

She divorced him.

He was never home.

 

[GSM]

A man asked his wife what she'd like for her birthday.

"I'd love to be eight again, " she replied.

On the morning of her birthday, he arose early, got up, made her a nice
big bowl of lucky Charms, and then took her off to the local theme park.

What a day!

He put her on every ride in the park: the Death Slide, the Wall of Fear,
the Screaming Monster Roller Coaster, every thing there was.

Five hours later she staggered out of the theme park. Her head was
reeling and her stomach felt upside down.

Right away, they journeyed to a McDonald's where her loving husband
ordered her a Happy Meal with extra fries and a refreshing chocolate
shake.

Then it was off to a movie, the latest Star Wars epic, a hot dog,
popcorn, a soda pop, and her favourite candy, M&M's.

What a fabulous adventure!

Finally she wobbled home with her husband and collapsed into bed
exhausted.

He leaned over his precious wife with a big smile and lovingly asked,
Well, Dear, what was it like being eight again?"

Her eyes slowly opened and her expression suddenly changed.

"I meant my dress size, you dickhead!"

The moral of the story:

Even when a man is listening, he is gonna get it wrong.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A young man walks onto the stage of Stars in their Eyes, on crutches,
with a cast from his feet to his hips.

Matthew Kelly Introduces him as Simon. "It's very brave of you to come
out here," says Matthew. "Please tell the audience what happened."

"Well" replies Simon, "about a year ago, I was driving with my uncle
when we had a really bad accident. Unfortunately my uncle was killed
outright but I survived. I was trapped in the car for six hours before I was
eventually cut free. The doctors had me in surgery for 12 hours but
they couldn't save my legs."

"That's terrible. But I see you have legs now. Are they artificial?" asks
Matthew.

"No Matthew. While I was in hospital the doctors informed me that
my uncle had in fact died, but that his legs were fine and with all the
advances in medical science, they could graft his legs onto my body.
The operation was successful. I have been having physiotherapy for
six months and hope to be walking fully again by the end of the year."

A huge round of applause erupts from the audience.

"That's an unbelievable story. So, who are you going to be?"

"Tonight, Matthew, I am going to be...
…
…
…
…
…
…
…
…
…
…
…
…
…
…
…
…
…
…
…
…
…
…
... Simon and Halfuncle'