What's your best/worst joke? (3 Viewers)

A middle-aged woman

Seemed sheepish as she
Visited her gynecologist.

'Come now,' coaxed the doctor,

' you've been seeing me for years!

There's nothing you can't tell me.'

'This one's kind of strange...'

'Let me be the judge of that,'

The doctor replied.

'Well,' she said, 'yesterday I went to the bathroom in the morning and
heard a plink-plink-plink in the toilet and when I looked down, the
water was full of pennies.'

'I see.'

'That afternoon I went to the bathroom again and, plink-plink-plink,
there were nickels in the bowl.'
'That night,' she went on, 'I went again,

Plink-plink-plink, and there were dimes and this morning there were
quarters !

You've got to tell me what's wrong with me!,' she implored,

'I'm scared out of my wits!'

The gynecologist put a comforting
Hand on her shoulder.
'There, there, it's nothing to be scared about.'







~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
'You're simply going through the change'
 
A man is driving down the road and breaks down near a monastery. He goes to the monastery, knocks on the door, and says, My car broke down. Do you think I could stay the night?

The monks graciously accept him, feed him dinner, and even fix his car. As the man tries to fall asleep, he hears a strange sound; a sound like no other that he has ever heard. The next morning, he asks the monks what the sound was, but they say, We can't tell you. You're not a monk.

The man is disappointed but thanks them anyway and goes about his merry way. Some years later, the same man breaks down in front of the same monastery.

The monks again accept him, feed him, and even fix his car.


That night, he hears the same strange mesmerizing sound that he had heard years earlier.


The next morning, he asks what the sound was, but the monks reply,


We can't tell you. You're not a monk.


The man says, All right, all right. I'm dying to know.


If the only way I can find out what that sound was, is to become a monk, how do I become a monk?

The monks reply, you must travel the earth and tell us how many blades of grass there are and the exact number of sand pebbles. When you find these numbers, you will become a monk.

The man sets about his task. Some forty-five years later, he returns and knocks on the door of the monastery. He says, I have traveled the earth and devoted my life to the task demanded and have found what you had asked for. There are 371,145,236,284,232 blades of grass and 231,281,219,999,129,382 sand pebbles on the earth.


The monks reply, Congratulations, you are correct and now you are a monk.


We shall now show you the way to the sound.


The monks lead the man to a wooden door, where the head monk says, the sound is behind that door.

The man reaches for the knob, but the door is locked. He asks, May I have the key?

The monks give him the key, and he opens the door.



Behind the wooden door is another door made of stone. The man requests the key to the stone door.

The monks give him the key, and he opens it, only to find a door made of ruby. He demands another key from the monks, who provide it. Behind that door is another door, this one made of sapphire. And so it went until the man had gone through doors of emerald,...
...silver, topaz, and amethyst.

Finally, the monks say, This is the key to the last door.


The man is relieved to no end. He unlocks the door, turns the knob, and behind that door he is astonished to find the source of that strange sound. It is truly an amazing and unbelievable sight



. But I can't tell you what it is because you're not a monk.
 
Dear employees,

Due to the current financial situation caused by the slowdown of the economy, Management has decided to implement a scheme to put workers of 40 years of age and above on early retirement. This scheme will be known as ra** (Retire Aged People Early).

Persons selected to be RAPED can apply to management to be eligible for the SHAFT scheme (Special Help After Forced Termination). Persons who have been RAPED and SHAFTED will be reviewed under the SCREW programme (Scheme Covering Retired Early Workers). A person may be RAPED once, SHAFTED twice and SCREWED as many times as Management deems appropriate.

Persons who have been RAPED can only get AIDS (Additional Income for Dependants & Spouse) or HERPES (Half Earnings for Retired Personnel Early Severance). Obviously persons who have AIDS or HERPES will not be SHAFTED or SCREWED any further by Management.

Persons who are not RAPED and are staying on will receive as much SHIT (Special High Intensity Training) as possible. Management has always prided itself on the amount of SHIT it gives employees. Should you feel that you do not receive enough SHIT, please bring to the attention of your Supervisor. They have been trained to give you all the SHIT you can handle.

Sincerely,
The Management
 
A man had two of the best tickets for the FA Cup final.

As he sits down, another man comes along and asks if anyone is sitting in the seat next to him.


"No", he says, "the seat is empty."


"This is incredible!" said the man, "who in their right mind would have a Seat like this for the FA Cup Final, the biggest sporting event of the year, and not use it?"


He says, "Well, actually, the seat belongs to me. My wife was supposed to come with me, but she passed away. This is the first Cup Final we haven't been together since we got married."


"Oh ... I'm sorry to hear that. That's terrible. I guess you couldn't find someone else, a friend or relative or even a neighbour to take the seat?"

The man shakes his head...

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"No. They're all at the funeral."


 
Proof of what can happen if a wife or girlfriend drags her husband or boyfriend along shopping

This letter was recently sent by Tesco's Head Office to a customer in Oxford:

Dear Mrs. Murray,

While we thank you for your valued custom and use of the TescoLoyalty Card, the Manager of our store in Banbury is considering
banning you and your family from shopping with us, unless your husband stops his antics.
Below is a list of offences over the past few months all verified by our surveillance cameras:

1. June 15: Took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in
people's trolleys when they weren't looking.

2. July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Houseware to go off at 5-minute intervals.

3. July 7: Made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to feminine products aisle.

4. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official tone, 'Code 3' in houseware..... and watched what happened.

5. August 14: Moved a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.

6. September 15: Set up a tent in the outdoor clothing department and told shoppers he'd invite them in if they would bring sausages and a Calor gas stove.

7. September 23: When the Deputy Manager asked if she could help him, he began to cry and asked, 'Why can't you people just leave me alone?'

8. October 4: Looked right into the security camera; used it as a mirror, picked his nose, and ate it.

9. November 10: While appearing to be choosing kitchen knives in the Housewares aisle asked an assistant if he knew where the antidepressants were.

10. December 3: Darted around the store suspiciously, loudly humming the Mission Impossible' theme.

11. December 6: In the kitchenware aisle, practised the 'Madonna look' using different size funnels.

12. December 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed, yelled 'PICK ME!' 'PICK ME!'

13. December 21: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, assumed the foetal position and screamed 'NO! NO! It's those voices
again.'

And; last, but not least:

14. December 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited a while; then yelled, very loudly, 'There is no toilet paper in here.'







​
 
Flogging a Dead Donkey

A young man named Gordon bought a donkey from an old farmer for £100.00.

The farmer agreed to deliver the donkey the next day, but when the farmer drove up he said, 'Sorry son, but I have some bad news... the donkey is on my truck, but unfortunately he's dead.

Gordon replied, 'Well then, just give me my money back.'

The farmer said, 'I can't do that, because I've spent it already.

Gordon said, 'OK then, well just unload the donkey anyway.

The farmer asked, 'What are you going to do with him?'

Gordon answered, 'I'm going to raffle him off.'

To which the farmer exclaimed, 'Surely you can't raffle off a dead donkey!'

But Gordon, with a wicked smile on his face said, 'Of course I can, I just won't bother to tell anybody that he's dead.'

A month later the farmer met up with Gordon and asked, 'What happened with that dead donkey?'

Gordon said, 'I raffled him off, sold 500 tickets at two pounds a piece and made a huge, fat profit!!'

Totally amazed, the farmer asked, 'Didn't anyone complain that you had stolen their money because you lied about the donkey being dead?'

To which Gordon replied, 'The only guy who found out about the donkey being dead was the raffle winner when he came to claim his prize. So I gave him his £2 raffle ticket money back plus an extra £200, which as you know is double the going rate for a donkey, so he thought I was great guy!!

Gordon grew up and eventually became the Chancellor of the Exchequer and then Prime Minister and no matter how many times he lied, or how much money he stole from the British voters, as long as he gave them back some of the stolen money, most of them, unfortunately, still thought he was a great guy.

The moral of this story is that, if you think Gordon is about to do something for the everyday people of the country think again my friend, you'll be better off flogging a dead donkey.
__________________
 
FUN DID YOU KNOW FACTS 1-10
Did You Know, Donald Duck comics were banned from Finland because he doesn't wear pants.
Did You Know, The cigarette lighter was invented before the match.
Did You Know, 40 percent of McDonald's profits come from the sales of Happy Meals.
Did You Know, TYPEWRITER is the longest word that can be made using the letters only on one row of the keyboard.
Did You Know, Butterflies taste with their feet.
Did You Know, Coca-Cola was originally green.
Did You know, If you yelled for 8 years, 7 months and 6 days, you would have produced enough sound energy to heat one cup of coffee.
Did You Know, Every day more money is printed for Monopoly than the US Treasury.
Did You Know, It is impossible to lick your elbow.
Did You Know, Intelligent people have more zinc and copper in their hair.
 
This is my first visit to this section and to be honest I don't know how I ended up here, but while I'm here I received a txt msg today...

"Hello, it's day one the Big Brother Heaven House, and already Jade Goddy has been nominated for eviction!"....
 
A guy sits down next to his friend by the fireside in a pub and says "nice dog"

His friend looks at the dog laying in front of the fire and says "yes, he's a nice dog but very disobedient"

The first guy says "bet I can make him do what he's told"

So they bet a fiver.

The first guy lifts the dog, thows it into the fire and says "get out" :eek:
 
A brunette was jumping from one rail to another on some railroad tracks saying "21" each time she jumped. A blond came along and started to play the game too.
Suddenly a high speed train came along and the brunette jumped clear of the tracks. The blond was not as fortunate.
After the train passed the brunette got back on the tracks and started jumping jumping again, this time saying "22 22 22".
 
Cake or bed

a husband is at home watching a
football match when his wife interrupts,

'honey, could you fix the light in the hallway?
It's been flickering for weeks now.'

he looks at her and says angrily,
'fix the lights now? Does it look like i have 'powergen' written on my forehead?
I don't think so!'

'fine!'

then the wife asks,
'well then, could you fix the fridge door?
It won't close right'

to which he replied,
'fix the fridge door?
Does it look like i have 'fridgidaire'
written on my forehead?
I don't think so!'

'fine!' she says
'then you could at least fix the steps
to the front door? They are about to break'

'i'm not a carpenter and i don't
want to fix steps', he says, 'does it look like i have 'taylor woodrow' written on my forehead?
I don't think so! I've had enough of this, i'm going to the pub!!!!'

so he goes to the pub and drinks for a
couple of hours................

He starts to feel guilty about how
he treated his wife, and decides
to go home

as he walks into the house he notices
that the steps are already fixed.

As he enters the house , he sees the
hall light is working

as he goes to get a beer, he notices
the fridge door is fixed.

Honey, he asks, 'how'd all this get fixed?'
she said, 'well, when you left i sat
outside and cried. Just then a nice young man asked me what was wrong, and i told him.
He offered to do all the repairs, and all i had to do was either go to bed with him or bake a cake.'

he said,
'so what kind of cake did you bake?'

she replied, 'hellooooo.., do you see 'mr kipling' written on my forehead? I don't think so!'
 
Job at the FBI



The FBI had an opening for an assassin.

After all the background checks, interviews And testing were done, there were 3 finalists; Two men and a woman.

For the final test, the FBI agents took one of
The men to a large metal door and handed him a gun.

'We must know that you will follow your instructions no
matter what the circumstances.

Inside the room you will find your wife sitting in a chair .. . .
Kill her!!'

The man said, 'You can't be serious. I could never shoot my wife.'

The agent said, 'Then you're not the right man for this job.
Take your wife and go home.'



The second man was given the same instructions.
He took the gun and went into the room. All was quiet for about 5 minutes.

The man came out with tears in his eyes, 'I tried, But I can't kill my wife.'
The agent said, 'You don't have what it takes.
Take your wife and go home.'



Finally, it was the woman's turn. She was given the same instructions,
to kill her husband. She took the gun and went into the room.
Shots were heard, one after another. They heard screaming, crashing,
banging on the walls. After a few minutes, all was quiet.
The door opened slowly and there stood the woman,
wiping the sweat from her brow.

'This gun is loaded with blanks' she said. 'I had to beat him to death with the chair.'



MORAL:

Women are crazy. Don't mess with them
 
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