Jacob Mathai
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- Sep 6, 2001
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This redneck was speeding on a road. A cop flagged him down.
Cop : "you have any id?"
Redneck : "About what?"
Cop : "you have any id?"
Redneck : "About what?"
What's your best/worst joke? (3 Viewers)
- Thread starter Fornatian
- Start date
Oldsoftboss
AWF VIP
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sharps said:
Na.. more like a shit joke.
Rusty
Registered User.
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Important message from IT Support Services
As part of the on-going cost reduction exercise within the company and
in an effort to reduce expenditure and finally solve the problems with
remote access and the ability of IT Support Staff to support our
computer network, the goal is to remove all laptop computer access by
January 2006 and all desktop computer access by March 2006.
Instead everyone will be provided with an Etch-A-Sketch.
There are many sound reasons for doing this:
No sign-in problems
No technical glitches keeping work from being done.
No more wasted time reading and writing emails.
No more time wasters looking for things to buy on e-Bay.
No more worries about power cuts.
Budget savings on Upgrades unparalleled
FAQs from the STK Etch-A-Sketch Help Desk:
Q: My Etch-A-Sketch has all of these funny little lines all over the screen.
A: Pick it up and shake it.
Q: How do I turn my Etch-A-Sketch off?
A: Pick it up and shake it.
Q: What's the shortcut for Undo?
A: Pick it up and shake it.
Q: How do I create a New Document window?
A: Pick it up and shake it.
Q: How do I set the background and foreground to the same colour?
A: Pick it up and shake it.
Q: What is the proper procedure for rebooting my Etch-A-Sketch?
A: Pick it up and shake it.
Q: How do I delete a document on my Etch-A-Sketch?
A: Pick it up and shake it.
Q: How do I save my Etch-A-Sketch document?
A: Don't shake it.
As part of the on-going cost reduction exercise within the company and
in an effort to reduce expenditure and finally solve the problems with
remote access and the ability of IT Support Staff to support our
computer network, the goal is to remove all laptop computer access by
January 2006 and all desktop computer access by March 2006.
Instead everyone will be provided with an Etch-A-Sketch.
There are many sound reasons for doing this:
No sign-in problems
No technical glitches keeping work from being done.
No more wasted time reading and writing emails.
No more time wasters looking for things to buy on e-Bay.
No more worries about power cuts.
Budget savings on Upgrades unparalleled
FAQs from the STK Etch-A-Sketch Help Desk:
Q: My Etch-A-Sketch has all of these funny little lines all over the screen.
A: Pick it up and shake it.
Q: How do I turn my Etch-A-Sketch off?
A: Pick it up and shake it.
Q: What's the shortcut for Undo?
A: Pick it up and shake it.
Q: How do I create a New Document window?
A: Pick it up and shake it.
Q: How do I set the background and foreground to the same colour?
A: Pick it up and shake it.
Q: What is the proper procedure for rebooting my Etch-A-Sketch?
A: Pick it up and shake it.
Q: How do I delete a document on my Etch-A-Sketch?
A: Pick it up and shake it.
Q: How do I save my Etch-A-Sketch document?
A: Don't shake it.
another one
Cardiff Zoo had acquired a female of a very rare species of gorilla. Within
>a few weeks, the gorilla became very cantankerous and difficult to handle.
>
>Upon examination the zoo vet determined the problem was the gorilla was on
>heat. To make matters worse there were no male gorillas of the species
>available.
>
>While reflecting on the problem, the zoo management noticed Gareth, a big
>Welsh lad from Swansea, responsible for fixing the zoo's machinery.
>
>Gareth, like most Swansea boys, had little sense but seemed to possess the
>ample ability to satisfy a female of any species. So the zoo administrator
>thought they might have a solution. Gareth was approached with a
>proposition. Would he be willing to have sex with the gorilla for £3,500?
>
>Gareth showed some interest, but said he would have to think about it.
>
>The following day, Gareth announced he would accept the offer but only
>under
>3 conditions: "First" he said "i don't want to have to kiss the gorilla.
>Secondly, you must never tell anyone of this"
>
>The zoo administrators quickly agreed to these terms, and then said what
>about the 3rd condition???
>
>"Well" Gareth said... "you gotta give me another week to come up with the
>£3,500".
>
Cardiff Zoo had acquired a female of a very rare species of gorilla. Within
>a few weeks, the gorilla became very cantankerous and difficult to handle.
>
>Upon examination the zoo vet determined the problem was the gorilla was on
>heat. To make matters worse there were no male gorillas of the species
>available.
>
>While reflecting on the problem, the zoo management noticed Gareth, a big
>Welsh lad from Swansea, responsible for fixing the zoo's machinery.
>
>Gareth, like most Swansea boys, had little sense but seemed to possess the
>ample ability to satisfy a female of any species. So the zoo administrator
>thought they might have a solution. Gareth was approached with a
>proposition. Would he be willing to have sex with the gorilla for £3,500?
>
>Gareth showed some interest, but said he would have to think about it.
>
>The following day, Gareth announced he would accept the offer but only
>under
>3 conditions: "First" he said "i don't want to have to kiss the gorilla.
>Secondly, you must never tell anyone of this"
>
>The zoo administrators quickly agreed to these terms, and then said what
>about the 3rd condition???
>
>"Well" Gareth said... "you gotta give me another week to come up with the
>£3,500".
>
Groundrush
Registered User.
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- Apr 14, 2002
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Dear Wife,
You will surely understand that I have certain needs that your 54 year
old body can no longer supply. I am very happy with you and I value
you as a good wife. Therefore after reading this letter, I hope that you will
not wrongly interpret the fact that I will be spending the evening with my
18 year old secretary at the Comfort Inn Hotel. Please don't be perturbed
I shall be back home before midnight. When he came home, he found
the following letter on the dining room table:
My Dear Husband,
I received your letter and thank you for your honesty. I would like to
take this opportunity to remind you that you are also 54 years old.
At the same time I would like to inform you that while you read this, I
will be at the Hotel Fiesta with Michael, my tennis coach who, like your
secretary, is also 18 years old. As a successful businessman and with
your excellent knowledge of math, you will understand that we are in
the same situation, although with one small difference:
18 goes into 54 a lot more times than 54 goes into18.
Therefore, I will not be back before lunch time tomorrow...
You will surely understand that I have certain needs that your 54 year
old body can no longer supply. I am very happy with you and I value
you as a good wife. Therefore after reading this letter, I hope that you will
not wrongly interpret the fact that I will be spending the evening with my
18 year old secretary at the Comfort Inn Hotel. Please don't be perturbed
I shall be back home before midnight. When he came home, he found
the following letter on the dining room table:
My Dear Husband,
I received your letter and thank you for your honesty. I would like to
take this opportunity to remind you that you are also 54 years old.
At the same time I would like to inform you that while you read this, I
will be at the Hotel Fiesta with Michael, my tennis coach who, like your
secretary, is also 18 years old. As a successful businessman and with
your excellent knowledge of math, you will understand that we are in
the same situation, although with one small difference:
18 goes into 54 a lot more times than 54 goes into18.
Therefore, I will not be back before lunch time tomorrow...
Jacob Mathai
Registered User.
- Local time
- Today, 14:39
- Joined
- Sep 6, 2001
- Messages
- 546
jonah
In an airplane a man was sitting next to a woman reading her Bible.
The man started a conversation.
Man : “Do you believe in the Bible?”
Woman : “Yes, I do.”
Man : “Do you believe the story of the man swallowed by a whale and later he was deposited on land to continue his journey.”
Woman : “Yes, I do.”
Man : “How can that be true?”
Woman : “I do not fully understand it now. I will ask him when I get to heaven.”
Man : “What if he is not in heaven?”
Woman : “Then you could ask him.”
In an airplane a man was sitting next to a woman reading her Bible.
The man started a conversation.
Man : “Do you believe in the Bible?”
Woman : “Yes, I do.”
Man : “Do you believe the story of the man swallowed by a whale and later he was deposited on land to continue his journey.”
Woman : “Yes, I do.”
Man : “How can that be true?”
Woman : “I do not fully understand it now. I will ask him when I get to heaven.”
Man : “What if he is not in heaven?”
Woman : “Then you could ask him.”
Matt Greatorex
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- Jun 22, 2005
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- 1,019
A plane carrying a load of professional models crashes on a deserted island, and the only three survivors are two men and a woman. Since they're all young, fit and attractive, a menage-a-trois soon blossoms.
Some time later, they're hunting for food when the woman falls over a cliff and is killed. The men are miserable for a couple of days, then one has an idea.
"Look," he says, "there's nobody else around. Whatever our feelings were before we came here are irrelevant. We've both got needs, so what do say we.. you know...?"
The second guy agrees and things go well for both of them for a week or so.
One night they're sitting at their camp fire when the second guy pipes up, "Look, I've got to be honest, I'm not really comfortable with things as they are. However physically enjoyable it is, it still feels wrong."
The other guy responds, " I know what you mean. I'm enjoying it, too, but I guess there are some taboos you're just taught about and they stick with you."
They agree to do the decent thing so, the next day, they bury her.
Some time later, they're hunting for food when the woman falls over a cliff and is killed. The men are miserable for a couple of days, then one has an idea.
"Look," he says, "there's nobody else around. Whatever our feelings were before we came here are irrelevant. We've both got needs, so what do say we.. you know...?"
The second guy agrees and things go well for both of them for a week or so.
One night they're sitting at their camp fire when the second guy pipes up, "Look, I've got to be honest, I'm not really comfortable with things as they are. However physically enjoyable it is, it still feels wrong."
The other guy responds, " I know what you mean. I'm enjoying it, too, but I guess there are some taboos you're just taught about and they stick with you."
They agree to do the decent thing so, the next day, they bury her.
Matt Greatorex
Registered User.
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- Joined
- Jun 22, 2005
- Messages
- 1,019
A guy gets on board a plane and finds he's sitting next to a parrot. THe bird greets him, he responds, and they sit back during take off.
As soon as the flight's underway, the parrot starts screaming 'I want a f*cking drink, I want a f*cking drink'. One of the flight crew comes running straight over. After ordering a whisky and telling the crew member to 'be f*cking quick about, you lazy cow', the parrot sits back and insults other passengers, until his drink arrives.
As soon as it does, he necks it in one, demands another, and continues to insult people. The guy politely asks if he could have a drink, only to be ignored by the flustered server.
Three times this happens, three tiems the guy is ignored while the parrot is served. Finally, the guy snaps and decides to try a different approach. The next time the parrot gets served, he shouts 'And where's mine, eh? You stupid b*stard?'. The crew memeber glares at him, walks away, and returns a minute later with the captain and two burly passengers.
"I hear you two have been abusing my crew?", demands the captain.
Before the guy can say anything, the parrot comes out with, "Yeah? And what are you going to f*cking do about it, pal?"
A minute later, the pair are plummeting toward the earth, having been ejected forcibly from the aircraft. As they fall, the parrot turns to the man and says "You know, mate, for someone who can't fly, you're a mouthy b*stard".
As soon as the flight's underway, the parrot starts screaming 'I want a f*cking drink, I want a f*cking drink'. One of the flight crew comes running straight over. After ordering a whisky and telling the crew member to 'be f*cking quick about, you lazy cow', the parrot sits back and insults other passengers, until his drink arrives.
As soon as it does, he necks it in one, demands another, and continues to insult people. The guy politely asks if he could have a drink, only to be ignored by the flustered server.
Three times this happens, three tiems the guy is ignored while the parrot is served. Finally, the guy snaps and decides to try a different approach. The next time the parrot gets served, he shouts 'And where's mine, eh? You stupid b*stard?'. The crew memeber glares at him, walks away, and returns a minute later with the captain and two burly passengers.
"I hear you two have been abusing my crew?", demands the captain.
Before the guy can say anything, the parrot comes out with, "Yeah? And what are you going to f*cking do about it, pal?"
A minute later, the pair are plummeting toward the earth, having been ejected forcibly from the aircraft. As they fall, the parrot turns to the man and says "You know, mate, for someone who can't fly, you're a mouthy b*stard".
Jacob Mathai
Registered User.
- Local time
- Today, 14:39
- Joined
- Sep 6, 2001
- Messages
- 546
As a man was driving down the freeway, his car phone rang.
Answering, he heard his wife's voice urgently warning him, "Herman, I just heard on the radio that there's a car going the wrong way on Interstate 280. Please be careful!"
"It's not just one car," said Herman. "It's hundreds of them!"
Answering, he heard his wife's voice urgently warning him, "Herman, I just heard on the radio that there's a car going the wrong way on Interstate 280. Please be careful!"
"It's not just one car," said Herman. "It's hundreds of them!"
I'd rather end the year on a high note. 
Newman
Québécois
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- Aug 26, 2002
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- 766
You want a translation?
It says: Insert money
Then it says: Choose beverage
And offers four choices: Coffee, Expresso coffee, Cappuccino and Chocolate
Then, after you take the cup, it says:
Yark!
It's disgusting!
Inspect the dispenser.
OPEN
Finaly, it says:
Send this joke to your friends
It says: Insert money
Then it says: Choose beverage
And offers four choices: Coffee, Expresso coffee, Cappuccino and Chocolate
Then, after you take the cup, it says:
Yark!
It's disgusting!
Inspect the dispenser.
OPEN
Finaly, it says:
Send this joke to your friends
FoFa
Registered User.
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- Jan 29, 2003
- Messages
- 3,653
NEW ELEMENT FOUND!
The recent hurricanes and skyrocketing oil and
gasoline prices helped to prove the existence of a new
element. In early October 2005, a major research
institution announced the discovery of the heaviest
element yet known to science. The new element has been
named "Governmentium."
Governmentium (Gv) has one neutron, 25 assistant
neutrons, 88 deputy neutrons, and 198 assistant deputy
neutrons, giving it an atomic mass of 312. These 312
particles are held together by forces called 'morons'
which are surrounded by vast quantities of lepton-like
particles called 'peons.' Since Gv has no electrons,
it is inert. However, it can be detected, because it
impedes every reaction with which it comes into
contact. A minute amount of Gv causes one reaction to
take over four days to complete, when it would
normally take less than a second!
Gv has a normal half-life of 4 years; it does not
decay; but instead undergoes a reorganization in which
a portion of the assistant neutrons and deputy
neutrons exchange places. In fact, Governmentium's
mass will actually increase over time, since each
reorganization will cause more morons to become
neutrons, forming 'isodopes.' This characteristic of
moron promotion leads most scientists to believe that
Gv is formed whenever morons reach a certain quantity
in concentration. This hypothetical quantity is
referred to as 'Critical Morass.'
The recent hurricanes and skyrocketing oil and
gasoline prices helped to prove the existence of a new
element. In early October 2005, a major research
institution announced the discovery of the heaviest
element yet known to science. The new element has been
named "Governmentium."
Governmentium (Gv) has one neutron, 25 assistant
neutrons, 88 deputy neutrons, and 198 assistant deputy
neutrons, giving it an atomic mass of 312. These 312
particles are held together by forces called 'morons'
which are surrounded by vast quantities of lepton-like
particles called 'peons.' Since Gv has no electrons,
it is inert. However, it can be detected, because it
impedes every reaction with which it comes into
contact. A minute amount of Gv causes one reaction to
take over four days to complete, when it would
normally take less than a second!
Gv has a normal half-life of 4 years; it does not
decay; but instead undergoes a reorganization in which
a portion of the assistant neutrons and deputy
neutrons exchange places. In fact, Governmentium's
mass will actually increase over time, since each
reorganization will cause more morons to become
neutrons, forming 'isodopes.' This characteristic of
moron promotion leads most scientists to believe that
Gv is formed whenever morons reach a certain quantity
in concentration. This hypothetical quantity is
referred to as 'Critical Morass.'
Dingodave1
New member
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- Today, 14:39
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- Jan 6, 2006
- Messages
- 1
Worst Joke..............
How many ears does Captain Kirk have?
3
Left ear, Right ear and a final frontier!!!!
Sorry!!!!
How many ears does Captain Kirk have?
3
Left ear, Right ear and a final frontier!!!!
Sorry!!!!
fuzzygeek
Energy Ebbing
- Local time
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- Mar 28, 2003
- Messages
- 988
dedicated to Rich
The train was quite crowded, so the U.S. Marine walked the entire length looking for a seat, but the only seat left was taken by a well-dressed, middle-aged, French woman's poodle. The war-weary Marine asked in perfect French, "Ma'am, may I have that seat?"
The French woman just sniffed and said to no one in particular, "Americans are so rude. My little Fifi is using that seat." The Marine walked the entire train again, but the only seat left was under that dog. "Please, ma'am. May I sit down? I'm very tired." She snorted, "Not only are you Americans rude, you are also arrogant!"
This time the Marine didn't say a word, he just picked up the little dog, tossed it out the train window, and sat down.
The woman shrieked, "Some one must defend my honor! Put this American in his place!"
An English gentleman sitting nearby spoke up, "Sir, you Americans often seem to have a penchant for doing the wrong thing. You hold the fork in
the wrong hand. You drive your autos on the wrong side of the road. And now, sir, you've thrown the wrong bitch out the window!"
The train was quite crowded, so the U.S. Marine walked the entire length looking for a seat, but the only seat left was taken by a well-dressed, middle-aged, French woman's poodle. The war-weary Marine asked in perfect French, "Ma'am, may I have that seat?"
The French woman just sniffed and said to no one in particular, "Americans are so rude. My little Fifi is using that seat." The Marine walked the entire train again, but the only seat left was under that dog. "Please, ma'am. May I sit down? I'm very tired." She snorted, "Not only are you Americans rude, you are also arrogant!"
This time the Marine didn't say a word, he just picked up the little dog, tossed it out the train window, and sat down.
The woman shrieked, "Some one must defend my honor! Put this American in his place!"
An English gentleman sitting nearby spoke up, "Sir, you Americans often seem to have a penchant for doing the wrong thing. You hold the fork in
the wrong hand. You drive your autos on the wrong side of the road. And now, sir, you've thrown the wrong bitch out the window!"
